QUIZ: Which Dartmouth Seven Spot Are You?
(05/20/15 2:02pm)
Cuffing season may be over, but Dartmouth Seven season is just beginning. Take this quiz to find out which of campus' toughest sex spots you are.
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An Afternoon with the Medieval Enthusiasts at Dartmouth
(05/20/15 12:17pm)
When I asked Connor Pollock ’17, treasurer for the Medieval Enthusiasts at Dartmouth, or MEaD, whether all the members of the club had created a medieval alter ego to go with their medieval gear, he smiled like it was a joke he had heard a million times.
Texts From Last Night: Green Key Edition
(05/18/15 1:57pm)
But most importantly, you documented it all. You woke up each morning with a headache and a 100-second long Snapchat story. Brilliant minds have devoted their lives to advancing technology so that you can flop your hands on the keyboard and text your crush at 3 am: “wanna make out?” And thank goodness for that, because your embarrassing texts are everyone else’s entertainment. Here are some of your peers’ “texts from last night.”
QUIZ: Are You Trash, Compost or Recycling?
(05/14/15 11:37am)
Admit it: at some point you have stood in front of the waste station at Collis, spent an obscene amount of time trying to figure out where to toss your lemonade, realized you looked like a creep for standing there so long and finally resorted to composting your entire life. Luckily for you, Dartbeat has come up with a foolproof method to match your personality to either trash, compost or recycling. Trust us, we kinda, sorta, maybe know the difference between the three!
6 New Uses for Empty Lots in Hanover
(05/13/15 12:05pm)
With the recent closing of Three Guys Barbecue and the moving of Lemon Tree Gifts, our bustling metropolis finds itself with two vacant pieces of valuable real estate. But what should fill the void?
14 Things You Never Knew You Needed a Dartmouth Logo On
(05/13/15 10:13am)
Of course, with school spirit comes school swag. Even if you look like a slob, it has been proven that if you're wearing something with a Dartmouth logo on it, no one is allowed to confront you. But where do you draw the line with the logo? I investigated to find the 15 things that you never knew you needed the Dartmouth logo on.
Hanover Storm Drain: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
(05/11/15 3:48pm)
In celebration of the Ledyard Canoe Club re-opening next week, I thought I’d explore the one area that every Dartmouth kayaker has seen but never thought to go inside — the Hanover runoff pipeline seen above. By exploring what is literally the deepest, darkest corner of Hanover, I came across a whole secret world of graffiti made by people for an audience of themselves — and stupid enterprising Dartbeat journalists. I expected to see a wall of penis graffiti with a detail and quantity that would rival that of a middle school boy’s textbook. Instead I found a secret world that displayed the full spectrum of human behavior. First, a warning — the second half of this article contains disturbing content. I. RIVER ENTRANCE
How To Win At IM Sports
(05/07/15 1:54pm)
The weather is warming, spring is in the air and’tis the season for ultra-competitive intramural sports. I know what you’re thinking, “Parker, c’mon! IM sports aren’t competitive at all!” Well, you’re bloody well wrong, and you should be ashamed of yourself. Your IM team should be so ruthlessly efficient, well-organized and brutal that it could goose-step all over Poland on a whim. IM sports are no joke, folks, and the way you people are treating them is a true disgrace to us all. Without further ado, here is everything you need to know about how to assemble your dream IM squad. 1. Build up a minor league division This one is really a no-brainer, guys. You’ve just got to recruit players straight out of high school and have them begin training in your Single-A team, based out of Bunker Hill Community College. After that, your best Single-A players can advanced to the Double-A team at the University of New Hampshire, and, finally, the very cream of the crop can move up to the Triple-A team at Colby-Sawyer College. After that, it’ll be time for your ultra-elite, highly trained athletes to come up to the big leagues: the Dartmouth College Intramural Tennis competition.
10 Things You Should Get P.E. Credit For But Don’t
(05/06/15 11:40am)
If you’re a NARP, chances are you still haven’t completed your P.E. requirements. Even though there are roughly a million NARP-y classes you can take (I’m looking at you, speed reading), it can be hard to find the motivation to sign up on Banner. Plus, there are a lot of everyday activities that already get your heart rate going just as much as organic farming would (yes, that is a P.E. class). Here are 10 things you should get P.E. credit for, but unfortunately don’t. 1. Living in the River. On a windy day the walk up Tuck Drive is pretty much this:
Secrets of the Sphinx Uncovered in a Bathroom Stall
(05/05/15 1:55pm)
When I originally pitched this article, I wanted it to be about something broad that we could all relate to: the wall graffiti in the third-floor men’s bathroom of Fairchild — also known as the beggar’s Yik Yak. In the process of examining these hate hieroglyphics, however, I accidentally exposed a part of one of Dartmouth’s most secret societies, the Sphinx. For those you who are reading Dartbeat to vicariously experience Dartmouth, the Sphinx is the College’s oldest secret senior society. They have a very prominent meeting space in the shape of an Egyptian tomb on Wheelock Street.
How Basic Is Your Major?
(05/01/15 5:15pm)
It’s important to realize that your major is probably really, really basic. Like, really basic. It’s actually hard for me to express how basic your major almost definitely is. Each year, most students major in just a handful of things –economics, government, psychology, history, and English are the usual culprits – leaving those few other majors feeling, well, less than special. But here’s the thing: Those are majors are special, because the rest of you are basic. Like, super basic. Without further ado, here is just how basic your major is:
DJ Names for 18 Former Dartmouth Presidents
(04/29/15 11:31am)
SPINIT
Rejected Term Papers: Why Uptown Funk is about Cocaine
(04/27/15 8:02am)
I spent my spring break doing what most people do — looking up and analyzing the lyrics to top 40 pop hits that are barely relevant anymore. When I read the lyrics to Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk,” however, I had a startling revelation. First, what I’m doing is what a really lonely person might do. Also, “Uptown Funk” is about cocaine. Right out the gate Bruno Mars pulls the classic lyrical trope of singing a grocery list of things hip-hop artists like. In this case the list includes: this hit, ice-cold Michelle Pfeiffer and white gold. At first I thought "white gold" was some meta-commentary on the practice of defanging music from African-American culture to make it more palatable to a broader — read White — audience. But as I looked into it further I came to one conclusion. Cocaine, baby.
QUIZ: Which Collis Stir Fry Sauce Are You?
(04/22/15 3:05pm)
Maybe you do it for the protein. Maybe you do it for hot Collis Steve. Maybe you just like the danger of seeing someone flip your veggies, knowing that at any moment they could suffer serious burns in pursuit of the perfect golden-browned baby corn. Whatever the reason, you're in the Collis stir fry line. But which sauce will you choose?
How Will You Get Drunk This Weekend?
(04/22/15 7:45am)
We may be Moving Dartmouth Forward, but that doesn’t mean that all you turnt turnips aren’t still going to rage. But how will you hard-guys get drunk without hard alcohol? Follow this flow chart to find out. (Franzia. The answer is Franzia).
Dartmouth Admissions: Part Six
(04/16/15 2:06pm)
As many of you may know, Dartmouth Admissions has been on hiatus for the past term as I went to San Francisco to find myself (jk, it was to build my resume). While I could spend this entire article admitting to embarrassing things that happened while there. Luckily I don’t have to because I have all of you to do it for me! As I stepped back onto campus this term, I took in the fresh New Hampshire air, looked around and thought, “Wow, look at all these people, I bet they have done terrible, embarrassing things while I was away.”
11 Signs Hanover Weather Has Given You Trust Issues
(04/16/15 10:53am)
Hanover weather is insane. This isn’t news (that’s why it’s on Dartbeat). Four inches of snow on Wednesday? Check. Salmon shorts and sundresses on Saturday? Also check. What with this mercurial climate and the fact that you can no longer go make out with a stranger on the ground floor of AD to vent your angst, it’s normal to be feeling a little on edge. Here are a few 15Signs Hanover weather has given you trust issues.
The Dartmouth Experience in Paintings
(04/15/15 11:04am)
Here at Dartbeat, we’ve been very enthusiastic about the trend of putting random captions on historically significant works of art for comedic value. So of course, we had to wonder: what would a Dartmouth-themed march down art history humor lane look like? Fortunately, you don’t have to wonder anymore… because we gotchu. When you’re sitting on the bench in the basement waiting to get on table but still trying to look cool.
Phil Hanlon’s Daily Schedule Will Make You Ashamed of Your Lack of Academic Rigor
(04/14/15 2:01pm)
You may think your 3.76 GPA is acceptable. You may think the A- you got on your last paper is an achievement. Well, you’ll reevaluate that after you look at College President Phil Hanlon’s daily schedule. Your intrepid reporter snuck a copy of his agenda from the President’ House after mistakenly wandering inside. You’ll be shocked what our president manages to get through in a single day! April 14, 2015:
Famous Alumni Yearbook Photos
(04/09/15 7:52am)
Here at Dartbeat, we often wonder what Dartmouth’s more storied alumni looked like back in their college days. Well, your intrepid reporter ventured into the deep, dark vaults of Rauner Special Collections Library to find out so that you didn’t have to. Here, in all their black-and-white glory, are some famous Hanoverians of yesteryear: Former Vice President Nelson Rockefeller ’30 Rockefeller looks damn fine in his senior pic, and if you want in on that Standard Oil money or maybe just like to head down to his eponymous center, you want this pic staring back at you from the wall because it smolders.