Conspiracy Theories: What Are They Actually Doing in the Construction Sites on Campus?
I love conspiracy theories. Humans landing on the moon: fake. JFK might still be alive. Where’s Obama’s birth certificate? The Bermuda Triangle: very real. And of course the government is using vaccines to implant tiny tracking devices into our bodies so that they can keep tabs on us, take control of our brains and then orchestrate the revolution that will bring about the end of time.Obviously, I’m very well-informed about these matters, so it’s quite fortunate for me, Dartmouth’s resident nutter, that there’s no shortage of suspicious activity on this campus. As springconstruction season rolls around, The College remains suspiciously tight-lipped about what’s being built around campus. Grad student housing? The new Hood Museum? I’m not buying it.
Here’s what’s actually going on:
To begin, most of us know that the Tri-Kap house has been under construction for a while (the reasons for the construction remain unclear, but that’s a conspiracy for another day). A few short weeks ago, a friend of mine gave me a tip that there seemed to be a strange light emanating from a manhole near the new Tri-Kap house. Obviously, I had to investigate. After much thought and a thorough examination of the manhole, it seems reasonable to conclude that the construction being done on Tri-Kap’s house is merely a distraction. So what’s really going on there? Any rational human being will tell you that workers are actually building a portal to hell.
Another area of interest is the construction site between Gile and Mass Row. Progress on the structure being built there is slow, which leads me to believe that there is something else going on. The presence of a structure that looks eerily similar to the monolith from “2001: A Space Odyssey” leads me to believe that the College may be attempting to make contact with extraterrestrials. There are, however, alternate theories about what is going on at this construction site. While my sources can’t confirm anything at this point, speculation says that the construction site smells vaguely like a frat basement. Has Dartmouth College finally decided to construct an underground Keystone brewery? Is this a brilliant economic move or is the College taking “Moving Dartmouth Forward” to a new level? Will they begin to manufacture non-alcoholic Keystone so that students are playing pong with what is, for all intents and purposes, urine? Or maybe there’s a third alternative: AD and SAE have actually, literally moved underground.
Speaking of things that are underground, if there’s one conspiracy I hope is true, it’s underground tunnels. Hear me out. I know there are some underground tunnels around this campus and that you can sometimes get tours of them, but before starting school here, a bunch of upperclassmen had me convinced that everyone used underground tunnels to get around campus during the winter. Maybe I was just being gullible or maybe it was my inner Californian holding out hope, but I still believe on some level that these tunnels exist. I imagine they’re something like the Chamber of Secrets. Anyway, I hope that at least some of the construction around campus is being dedicated to an underground tunnel network. Given that it just snowed on April 26 I feel that it isn’t too much to ask.
You’d think the madness would stop there, but it most certainly doesn’t. There’s one last thing that needs to be considered. Let’s shift our attention to the design for the new Hood Museum of Art. Just look at that window. Look at that gigantic triangle that is so prominently displayed. Coincidence? I think not. It seems abundantly clear to me that Dartmouth is now openly acknowledging its affiliation with the Illuminati.
Call me crazy, but this is the truth. Should you discover any new information about the construction sites around campus, feel free to contact me. Of course the government uses technology to keep tabs on us so I don’t have an email or a phone but you can find me at the golf course looking for UFOs most nights.