12 Ways to Look Like You’re Not Eating Alone at FoCo
Ah, freshman fall. The glorious time of year when shmobs are formed, games are pre’d and meals are swiped.
1. Get out your laptop, books, shoes, the contents of your hobo bindle, etc. and spread them across the chair and table across from you.
2. Put a backpack and jacket on the other chair so it looks like you’re just waiting for a friend who’s getting more food.
3. Fill a tray with food and orbit the salad bar while you eat.
4. Keep looking up from your phone every few seconds so it’s like you’re expecting someone else to arrive at any minute.
5. Commandeer Sun God’s skeleton co-pilot and position him (her?) across from you.
6. Join a freshman floor dinner. Pretend you’re on a sports team to explain why you haven’t been around much. If anyone asks, you’re John’s roommate.
7. Buy a Japanese body pillow. James Franco had one!
8. Project a Tupac hologram onto the seat across from you.
9. Laugh maniacally every so often so that bystanders are convinced you’re having a scintillating dinner with an invisible-yet-totally-present friend
10. Find a light-side table of four and sit at the open table next to them. Scoot the table closer and closer until it looks like you’re just the poor sap who got stuck sitting at the end.
11. Sit down behind the desk in the hallway between the waste area and the light side. Begin dictating FoCo affairs.
Or, best of all…
12. Kidnap the giant origami man from the Jaffe-Friede Gallery in the Hop and eat curled up inside his outstretched arms.