Rejected Term Papers: Why Uptown Funk is about Cocaine
I spent my spring break doing what most people do — looking up and analyzing the lyrics to top 40 pop hits that are barely relevant anymore. When I read the lyrics to Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars’ “Uptown Funk,” however, I had a startling revelation. First, what I’m doing is what a really lonely person might do. Also, “Uptown Funk” is about cocaine.
Right out the gate Bruno Mars pulls the classic lyrical trope of singing a grocery list of things hip-hop artists like. In this case the list includes: this hit, ice-cold Michelle Pfeiffer and white gold. At first I thought "white gold" was some meta-commentary on the practice of defanging music from African-American culture to make it more palatable to a broader — read White — audience. But as I looked into it further I came to one conclusion. Cocaine, baby.
Now you're reading Dartbeat right now, so there's a strong chance you've never done cocaine — that's the Dartbeat motto! Don’t worry, neither have I. Like you, my social circles and cocaine social circles don’t really overlap. In this essay, I'll go line by line — no pun intended — analyzing the lyrics to a song we all love to make the cocaine connection for you. For the record, I wrote most of this over break. I may be insane enough to write 800 words about “Uptown Funk,” but I’m not insane enough to do it on a school night.
First lyric:
This hit
Bam! Right out of the gate, he's talking about a hit of cocaine, which yahoo answers tells me is a thing. I'll admit that without context, this connection does seem tenuous, but it's really the second lyric that unlocked the song completely for me.
That ice cold Michelle Pfeiffer,
that white gold.
If you’re like me, you probably thought, “Michelle Pfeiffer? Huh, that's a pretty random reference.” It doesn't rhyme with anything, and it barely fits the meter. As it turns out, one of Michelle Pfeiffer's biggest roles was her turn in “Scarface” as the cocaine-addicted girlfriend to the title character. To be honest, I haven't seen “Scarface” in a while because I've been too busy living Scarface, but to name drop that particular actress famous for that particular role next to "white gold" is a textbook example of lyrical synergy.
Now you may be thinking, Bruno Mars sings songs about girls who make him cry, there’s no way Mr. Mars is even aware of the concept of cocaine. His image is as sparkling as that pearly white smile of his is. I present to you…Exhibit C — the smoking gun on why “Uptown Funk” is about cocaine.
That’s right, no one seems to remember the fact that America’s national treasure was arrested for possession of drugs, specifically cocaine, although the case was eventually dismissed.
What’s more is that Mars doesn’t seem particularly apologetic about it. In an interview with GQ in 2013 about this incident, Bruno Mars was asked why he had told the cops that this was the first time he had done anything like that, Mars said:
“I don’t know where that came from. I was really intoxicated. I was really drunk. So a lot of that is a big blur, and I try every day to forget and keep pushing.”
Mars was then asked “But if you did tell them that, might it have been shading the truth a little?” To which Mars commented,
"I don't know if I should comment on that or not."
Reading these quotes, I have a gut feeling that it wasn’t the allure of Las Vegas that led Bruno Mars to this arrest. It looks like he hasn’t made a ton of effort to make sure that doesn’t happen again. Instead it appears it was the siren call of cocaine that led to Bruno Mars possessing cocaine.
Considering this background knowledge, many of the lyrics in “Uptown Funk” make more sense. If “gotta kiss myself, I’m so pretty” is not a cocaine-induced thought, I don’t know what is.
Stop
Wait a minute
Fill my cup, put some liquor in it
Take a sip, sign a check
Ah yes, my favorite mixed drink —a full cup of literally anything, with “some liquor in it.” Also, he’s paying for it in the most convenient way possible.
Julio, get the stretch
Ride to Harlem, Hollywood, Jackson, Mississippi
If I understand Bruno Mars correctly — and I almost definitely do not — Bruno Mars is suggesting he has enough energy to take a 67-hour trip via stretch limo, which is a major blow — no pun intended — to Team “Uptown Funk is not about cocaine.”
To be fair, there are also several points in the song that seem to have very little to do with drugs, unless the line “it’s Saturday night, we in the spot” is a reference to the cocaine spot, a drug term I just made up. So until Bruno Mars comes out and tweets “Uptown Funk = cocaine ;)” my theory may just be a much lamer version of the “Dark Side of the Moon syncs perfectly with the movie Wizard of Oz” conspiracy.
That being said, please enjoy this video of a gaggle of soccer moms dancing to a song that may or may not be about cocaine.