Phil Hanlon’s Daily Schedule Will Make You Ashamed of Your Lack of Academic Rigor
You may think your 3.76 GPA is acceptable. You may think the A- you got on your last paper is an achievement. Well, you’ll reevaluate that after you look at College President Phil Hanlon’s daily schedule. Your intrepid reporter snuck a copy of his agenda from the President’ House after mistakenly wandering inside. You’ll be shocked what our president manages to get through in a single day!
April 14, 2015:
2:00 a.m.: Arise early and begin to ready myself for the newly established 4A classes, which shall run from 4 a.m. to 5:50 a.m.
2:00 a.m.-2:15 a.m.: Stare deeply into mirror contemplating the best mustache style for the day.
2:15 a.m.-2:30 a.m.: Assemble arsenal for mustache care, including tweezers, scissors, a spatula, wax, gel, the musk of former College President John Kemeny, and the claw of an endangered northern sportive lemur.
2:30 a.m.3:40 a.m.: Trim, angle, bedazzle, bewitch, shine, polish, arrange, organize, and generally make fabulous my Presidential Mustache of Wonder. Ensure that it is appropriately intimidating and displays the grandeur of the Office of the College President.
3:40 A.M.-3:55 A.M.: Don full academic regalia to inspire awe amongst all who see me. Also, don a wizard hat – I really want to be Dumbledore.
3:55 a.m.-4:00 a.m.: Venture forth from my humble abode and soar across campus, inspiring the studentry to embrace academic rigor through my powers of flight. Travel to my 4A.
4:00 a.m.-5:50 a.m.: Attend my 4A, CHEM 93.14: Alcohols and Ethers: God’s Scourge Against Humanity (x-list: REL 47). Participate dutifully.
5:50 a.m.-6:30 a.m.: To awaken all those lazy students who have not already woken to partake of 4As, I shall now sail a first rate ship-of-the-line up the Connecticut River and repeatedly fire its entire battery of 98 guns. All students shall arise to the beauteous cacophony and shall rejoice in their true spirit of intellectualism.
6:30 a.m.-7:00 a.m.: Meet Interim Dean of the College Inge-Lise Ameer, Provost Carolyn Dever, Dean of the Faculty Michael Mastanduno and my wondrous wife Gail Gentes for breakfast at Pine – the crew is back #squad.
7:00 a.m.-7:45 a.m.: Assemble all Rufus Choate Scholars — the most intellectual students on campus — and embrace them awkwardly, whispering “well done, Draco,” as I stroke their backs tenderly.
7:45 a.m.-8:15 A.M.: Take Dartbeat’s “Which Hard Alcohol Alternative Are You” quiz and shake head in disapproval as I dwell upon the need for greater academic rigor at Dartmouth.
8:15 a.m.-9:30 a.m.: Hold open office hours during which students can come forth and receive guidance..
9:30 a.m.-10:30 a.m.: Release my battalion of captured bears upon campus to metaphorically represent the scourge of hard alcohol. Lead the bears in a charge down Webster Avenue, burning and pillaging as we go.
10:30 a.m.-11:00 a.m.: Fire all professors who teach layups. Hang photos of them along the halls of First Floor Berry, serving as an example.
11:00 a.m.-12:30 p.m.: Read the most wondrous theses authored by students of Dartmouth throughout the centuries, then stride forth onto Parkhurst’s balcony and throw the documents from it to encourage students to voraciously devour them and embrace their true intellectual promise.
12:30 p.m.-1:30 p.m.: Eat a somber, solitary lunch and contemplate Deep Things, as is the Phil Hanlon way. Become distracted by a frolicking squirrel and immediately issue an edict to ban squirrels from the Dartmouth campus so that no future Dartmouth students will be distracted by their evil ways.
1:30 p.m.-2:00 p.m.: Mentally and physically prepare myself for the 2A I will teach this term by performing jumping jacks while reciting the original Old Welsh text of Y Gododdin.
2:00 p.m.-3:50 p.m.: Instruct my students during the 2A I teach, PHIL 55: Rigor for Dummies. Imbue them with a sense of awe and respect for academic rigor.
3:50 p.m.-4:15 p.m.: Suffer from momentary despair brought on by the emptiness of my life due to my myopic focus on academics – and nothing else. Suppress these silly human emotions so that I can once again concern myself with learning.
4:15 p.m.-5:30 p.m.: Run repeatedly in circles around the Green, shouting “ACADEMIC RIGOR” over and over at the top of my lungs as my fabulous robes flow behind me. My brave actions publicize the goal of academic rigor for all and inspire the debaucherous,
5:30 p.m.-6:30 p.m.: Dine with Gail. Scream “ACADEMIC RIGOR” at each other between bites.
6:30 p.m.-7:00 p.m.: Prepare grapes for tomorrow’s breakfast so that I need not spend precious moments separating grape from stem throughout the day.
7:00 p.m.-7:45 p.m.: Bathe my Presidential Mustache of Wonder in the holy musk of former College President John Kemeny to insure that it remains undisturbed even as I lie asleep.
7:45 PM: Go to sleep early, as is the Phil Hanlon way.