Top Ten: "Soft" Alcohols
As most of our readers already know, Dartmouth students (at least those over the age of 21) have recently been hit hard by news of a hard-alcohol ban on campus, which will take effect this spring. For those who are able to stomach enough Keystone and Franzia to maintain their desired and CDC-approved level of intoxication —or for those who are under 21 and of course aren’t drinking alcohol anyway —the Moving Dartmouth Forward policy will likely not be a problem. But for those who would rather not chug copious amounts of Keystone, a beer recently ranked as the worst “currently sold on American soil,"we’ve put our research team (read: me!) to work looking for new, “soft” alcohol options that clock in below the ban’s likely 30-proof limit. So, when you’re planning a get-together in your dorm room or a prohibition-themed tails this spring, don’t forget to check back in on this list!
In the words of manufacturer United Brands Company Inc., “Joose” is a “beer-like beverage,” and it frankly looks about as ambiguous as it sounds. But it’s hard to complain about a drink that comes complete with its own theme song —“Joosed Up” by K-Lien —and with its alcohol percent by volume peaking at 12 percent, Joose is safely below theMDF requirements. Believe it or not, it’s also made of all-natural ingredients.
2. Blast By Colt 45
Colt 45 doesn’t give much information about what Blast contains other than that it has “sassy-ass strawberry” in its strawberry-lemonade edition and someone “spiked da juice” in its raspberry-watermelon flavor. But at 24-proof it’s a safe choice, and it also apparently runs its own Instagram and Twitter accounts. So, in the words of the drink’s own promotional materials, get ready for a “booty-knocking VIP party!”
3. Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Like the trip to Late Night Collis you plan to make after your last game of pong anyway, Mike Hard’s Lemonade will deliver enough carbonation and sugar to fill you up for the evening and probably stop you from wanting to keep imbibing. Plus, with the 15 pounds you’ll gain from the added calories, you’ll get to feel like a freshman that just discovered FoCo cookies again!
4. Yogurito
Technically we’re cheating with this one, because Yogurito measures out at 16 percent alcohol by volume. But we hate to deprive campus of an opportunity to learn about a drink that’s been referred to as “sparkling yogurt wine” and “alcoholic yogurt.” According to its Japanese distributors, it is not fully yogurt and is not heathy. Sounds pretty hard to me!
5. Chocolate Raspberry Woodchuck Cider
According to its brewers, who describe this flavor as “out on a limb,” the chocolate raspberry cider carries “smooth notes” of chocolate and raspberry. Sounds basically like flavored Svedka, right?
6. Kumis
You can never be sure on the Internet, but according to RussianFoods.Com, Kumis is a traditional milk beverage that is fermented from mare’s milk inside of a horsehide vessel. It also evidently is no more than 5-proof, but make sure you figure out import/export rules before you make “From Russia, With Love” your tails theme.
7. Whipped Lightning
You’ll need to water down your “Whipped Lightning” before stepping foot on campus, as it just barely ekes over the MDF requirements at 33-36 proof. That said, it’s also alcoholic whipped cream, and it comes in flavors including hazelnut espresso and chocolate almond brownie. So what are you waiting for?
8. Homemade Moonshine
Sure, buying alcohol from stores is nice. But if you have a bathtub, 50 pounds of cornmeal and you aren’t too worried about going blind, then this fun throwback to the 1920s might be for you! S&S won’t notice the pressure cooker you’ve kept in the lounge for 14 days, right?
9.Côtes du Rhône "Rive Droite, Rive Gauche" 2013
An easy way to class up your night spent in various frat basements – you’re so Olivia Pope! She would drunkenly make out with someone in her 10-person drill class and then attempt to sleep on the floor under a pong table, right? Plus, Cotes du something French is actually only $8 a bottle, and according to expert taster Jonathan Cristaldi, it’s one of the best sub $15 wines on offer in the United States. It can be ordered in bulk.
10. Weed
Not a drink, but Hanlon hasn’t mentioned this in an MDF speech yet!.....Wait, does what the federal government says matter too?
Editor’s Note: Please drink responsibly.