The 12 Kinds of Blitzes You Get at Dartmouth
“What’s a blitz?” you might wonder. Is it a football maneuver? Is it a 2011 Jason Statham film? A sudden military attack? Yes. Yes to all of those.
At Dartmouth, though, we use the Blitzmail system, so when you get an email, it’s called a blitz. Coincidentally, since the Listserv usually sends out emails in rounds, blitz could also very easily refer to your impressive and overwhelming 3 p.m. influx of mail. But what kind of blitzes are you going to be getting? Let’s find out.
1. The “Listserv” blitz
This blitz has been sent to everyone on campus. It probably refers to some open event like a show or performance, and it’ll go something like this.
Popular features:
- Subject line in all caps
- Information that is not in any way relevant to your life
- Over your first weeks at Dartmouth, your ability to speed scan and delete these will become legendary.
2.The “hidden recipients list” blitz
This blitz is a mystery. It usually comes from someone you know only tangentially, and you’ll be up until the wee hours wondering how many other people received this email. Are you special? Did they send it to everyone? Should you follow up? Is this a really roundabout way of hitting on you?!?!
Popular features:
- The sender putting his or her own name in the recipient field, then BCCing everyone else
- Invitation to something you’d really only go to if you knew who’d be there
3.The awkwardly informal blitz from your prof
Either because you have impeccable manners and are naturally adept at email etiquette or because (like me) you were once chewed out by an authority figure for beginning an email with “Hi, Professor,” it’s instinct for students to write to professors as though they’re applying for a grant or addressing the particularly fastidious parent of a significant other. Usually, this will work out fine for you, but at some point in your time at Dartmouth, you’re inevitably going to participate in an email exchange that goes like this:
Then your 65-year-old professor with a doctorate emails you back something like this:
Hit the brakes. There isn’t a salutation. There isn’t a sign-off. She’s asked you a point-blank question, so you can’t even avoid the awkwardness by not replying. You immediately faint from the stress and uncertainty of how to reply.
Popular features:
- Lack of punctuation
- No opening or signature
- Possible smiley face or teen jargon
4. The flitz
This is the best possible Internet mail you can receive. Named because they’re “flirty blitzes,” flitzes can come from anyone at any time. Maybe they’re an invitation to hang out. Maybe they’re just playful heckles from the boy two rows behind you who sees you on Facebook during lecture. Maybe you’re totally misreading the signs and it’s not a flitz at all?!
Popular features:
- Inside jokes (even if you’ve only met this person one time and they only know one thing about you, it’ll probably be in this email)
- A sly insinuation that y’all should hang out again
- Cryptic and flirty language
5.The 2 a.m. blitz from an acquaintance
This is the flitz’s ugly step cousin. You sort of know this person. They’re probably drunk. Like when Jason was totally texting you all night last night, you can’t tell if it’s a booty call or not.
Popular features:
- Abundant spelling errors
- General lack of clarity – do they mean to be sending this to you? Has someone stolen their phone? Is it possible to have an email version of a pocket-dial?
6.The intentionally deceptive Gov 10 survey blitz
Certain statistics classes require students to do original data collection, which means that around “survey season,” droves of stats students descend upon the Dartmouth masses with shameless pleas for information and opinions. To spice them up and pique our interest, these pleas sometimes have subject lines like this:
Popular features:
- Fake invitations to semi
- Professions that someone “had fun last night”
- The words “will literally only take 30 seconds
7.The “Assignment Graded” blitz from Canvas
The new online grading system updates you via blitz whenever an instructor grades an assignment. After the Gov 10 survey email with the subject line “I know what you did,” this is probably the most terrifying content you’ll receive to your blitz.
Popular features:
- An un-downloaded Canvas logo
- Zero information about what your grade actually is
8.The Administration blitz
This blitz will without fail be written in Courier New in a smaller-than-default size. We’re talking like nine-point. If you are dedicated enough not to delete it within four seconds, you’ll find yourself with your face six inches from your laptop screen trying to discern where one line ends and another begins.
Popular features:
- Warnings about partying during whatever big weekend is approaching
- News that some higher-up has been hired or is leaving
9.“List abuse”
This kind of blitz is more common if you’re on a club blitz list. The people sending these blitzes assume that you will feel inclined to help them with whatever small favor they need because of your common interest in ultimate Frisbee or Friday Night Rock. You will not.
Popular features:
- Subject line includes “LA” for list abuse
- The words “hit me up”
- A sob story to manipulate your cold, dead heart into feeling pity
10. The request to be taken off the blitz list
Freshmen, do not fall into this trap. As someone who signed up for an egregious number of clubs and activities at the start of my freshman year, I soon found myself inundated by blitzes from clubs that I wasn’t actually a part of anymore. I wanted my name off of the lists so that the emails wouldn’t keep cluttering my inbox, so I decided to blitz the administrator of the account (using reply-all, of course) and ask to be removed. About 88 people got my blitz. Don’t be this person.
(Life hack: you can be removed from a blitz list by sending “SIGNOFF” followed by the list name, with no spaces.)
Popular Features:
- A chain of similar responses from people who’ve been miserably lurking on the list for weeks and are emboldened by your admission of defeat
11. The “Cryptic Subject Line” blitz
Most Listserv blitzes are pretty cut and dry. And then you get the Dartmouth Chess Club blitzes.
Yes, Chess Club, Tinky-Winky is a B-side Teletubby.
Popular features:
- Content that’s totally unrelated to the heading
- Fake quotes
- Ridiculously photoshopped graphics
12. The “let’s get together and study!” blitz from a classmate you barely know
This is a blatant request for help and usually comes around finals or midterms. Reply at your own risk.
Popular features:
- Overtly cheerful tone that hides how truly boned this person is for the upcoming exam
- The words “compare notes,” used as code for him or her really just reading your notes and offering you a folder with the handouts from the four to five lectures they actually attended