How Recruiting Actually Went
It’s July 6, and you’re ready to submit your resumes and cover letters. You’ve triple-checked every last one, and you’re ready to cast your fate into the void of Dartboard, confident that your hard work and meticulous editing will bear fruit… psych. We all know that’s how it was supposed to go, but it’s sophomore summer, and no one’s spent more than a contiguous hour working since May. This is how corporate recruiting actually went.
Friday, July 4th, 2014, 9:30 PM — The Procrastination
You’re buzzed from the boozy barbecue you spent most of the day at, but the four slices of “Mexican pizza” you ate at FoCo are helping sober you up. You can’t help but notice that the fireworks bursting overhead are a heavy-handed metaphor for your career prospects – you haven’t even started your resume, and you aren’t really sure what a cover letter is. Regardless, you sleep soundly, knowing that you have three days before your resume drop.
Monday, July 7th, 7:30 PM — The Resume
It’s crunch time, and just not because you’ve been exclusively eating Cap’n Crunch with Crunch Berries for the past six hours. You quickly brainstorm a few things to put on your resume – “Ice Cream Distribution Expert” for your job scooping cones last summer, or “Aquatic Safety Monitor” for your job lifeguarding at the community pool in high school. Make sure you note that you had a 0% fatality rate during your tenure – firms like quantitative results. Also note that you speak three languages, counting what you picked up during a one-week vacation in Cancun as a “working fluency” in Spanish.
Monday, July 7th, 10:00 PM — The Cover Letters
With your resume complete, you turn to the cover letters — they can’t be that hard, right? Wrong. Cover letters get down and dirty with why you would be an asset to a firm. Talk about how your experience working with kids at your summer camp shows your ability to make split-second decisions about where the markets are going. Oops – you just sent one referring to a recruiter as INSERT NAME. I guess that serves you right for using a form letter, but they don’t really read these… right?
Tuesday, July 22nd, 8:00 AM — The Interview
Company X liked your application, and would like to extend you the opportunity to interview. There will be two parts — a “fit” interview, and a case. Looking at the automated Dartboard response, you’re about as nervous as you are excited. “What is a case interview,” you Google frantically, as the time ticks away until your spot on the list. You stuff yourself into the suit your mother sent up the week before and head to the interview, ready to estimate the national market for diapers — don’t forget adult diapers — or the number of windows in New York — must be more than 100.
Wednesday, July 23rd, 3:00 PM — The Offer
It’s the call – isn’t that the New York area code? “You did well, and we’re excited to offer you the position at Company X this winter — we will send along the contract shortly,” the woman on the phone says. Despite your lack of preparation, you’re going to be gainfully employed next winter! Now it’s time to pick up the pieces and start attending class again — we drop how many Astro 2 quizzes again?