The Definitive Ranking of Dartmouth’s Presidents’ Hairstyles

By Grace Miller | 4/23/14 5:00am

After hours of deliberation, I have compiled the most influential list of our time: a ranking of Dartmouth presidents by hairstyle. I carefully examined each hairstyle, looking for creativity, manageability, shape and texture before determining my score.It ultimately came down to how well the presidents worked with the hair they had.Some hair defied gravity, some hair grew in thick and others’ hair stopped growing in. My final verdict: while being Dartmouth’s president may be one of the most chic jobs out there, be warned that it may also cause hair loss. Without further ado, here are the 18 most stylish presidents, in order from meh to oh la la!

18. Rev. Nathan Lord (6^thpresident, 1828-1863)

SCORE: 1.5/10

Even at age 38, it appeared Rev. Nathan Lord’s hair was still growing in.

17. John Sloan Dickey (12^thpresident, 1945-1970)

SCORE: 2.5/10

This hairstyle is what I like to call “the presidential mullet.” It’s all business in the front, but I can tell that there’s a party in the back.

16. Ernest Martin Hopkins (11^th president, 1916-1945)

SCORE: 3.0/10

I call this look “the peninsula” — all it needs is a lighthouse to let combs know how far away his hairline is.

15. James Oliver Freedman (15^th president, 1987-1998)

SCORE: 3.5/10

James Freedman’s hair looks like the icing on top of a cake. I cannot determine if that’s a good or bad thing.

14. Jim Yong Kim (17^th president 2009-2012)

SCORE: 3.5/10

From this angle it appears that Jim Yong Kim is simply wearing a black headband à la Blair Waldorf. But how can you not love that happy smile?

13. Rev. Asa Dodge Smith (7^th president, 1863-1877)

SCORE: 4.0/10

I personally love the mystery in Rev. Asa Smith’s hair: is that all one long flowing mane of hair hiding a bald spot, or is there consistent hair throughout the rest of his head? The world may never know.

12. James Wright (16^th president, 1998-2009)

SCORE: 4.0/10

I envy how low-maintenance James Wright’s hairstyle is. I bet his blow-dry only takes a minute!

11. Rev. William Jewett Tucker (9^th president, 1892-1909)

SCORE: 5.0/10

The Tucker Foundation may be named after him, but his greatest community service was allowing the world to see that gorgeous moustache and those wavy locks.

10. David McLaughlin (14^th president, 1981-1987)

SCORE: 5.5/10

Someone rocked the middle-part a little too hard for a little too long.

9. Ernest Fox Nichols (10^th president, 1909-1916)

SCORE: 5.5/10

This foxy man refuses to let go of the past. He has a combover so majestic I can only assume he named each individual hair.

8. Rev. Samuel Colcord Bartlett (8^th president, 1877-1892)

SCORE: 6.0/10

What he lacks on top he makes up for in a beard so large and thick a freshman could get lost in it on first-year trips.

7. John George Kemeny (13^th president, 1970-1981)

SCORE: 6.5/10

John Kemeny’s hair embodies the tousled “just woke up” look. As Beyoncé would say: #flawless

6. Rev. Bennet Tyler (5^th president, 1822-1828)

SCORE: 7.0/10

Rev. Bennet Tyler came very close to having a mohawk, but then at the last moment decided to keep the hair on the side of his head. I call the result “the cockatoo.”

5. Rev. Daniel Dana (4^th president, 1820-1821)

SCORE: 7.5/10

His term may have been short, but his beard was long. The only photo I could find of Rev. Daniel Dana was this stain-glass window immortalizing a beard that stressed out students preferred over the company of therapy dogs.

4. Rev. Francis Brown (3^rd president, 1815-1820)

SCORE: 8/10

Lax bros take note: this is how you do flow. His side burns are literally defying gravity and swirling back up his head.

3. John Wheelock (2^nd president, 1779-1815)

SCORE: 8.5/10

The true creator of style, John Wheelock suffered from the inability to go outside on particularly breezy days in case a strong gust of wind would catch under his hair and carry him off.

2. Rev. Eleazer Wheelock (1^st president, 1769-1779)

SCORE: 9/10

His hair is big because it’s full of Dartmouth’s secrets. This is some of the most intense helmet hair I have ever witnessed, but he’s committed to the look, which I respect.

1. Philip Hanlon (18^th president 2013-present)

SCORE: 10/10

There is no way that Phil Hanlon’s mustache would not win this ranking. It is like a tiny tutu for his nose. The only hairstyle to have its own Twitter (@hanlonstache), there are few things better on campus than his refined ’stache.