Stuff Dartmouth Kids Like: Carnival Is Coming
It’s almost Winter Carnival! I would have written this column for next week, but Carnival will have been going on for two-and-a-half days by that time, so here we are. Also, I couldn’t think of anything else to write about. Midterms week is hard, guys.
It is widely agreed-upon that Winter Carnival is by far the grimmest of the three big weekends – anyone with half a brain knows it goes Green Key >>>>>>>>>>>> Homecoming >>>>> Carnival. (Fieldstock doesn’t count in my mind because mine was cancelled due to weather #12Xproblems.) I think it’s hilarious that Winter Carnival was named one of the top winter college traditions in the U.S. because it sucks so much, but it just goes to show that Dartmouth’s worst day is the dream of some sad kid in Nobodycares, Irrelevantville. At least we get Friday off – though to be honest, the rest of the school and I would rather have that day off for literally anything else.
The GLC ban has flipped the switch, though. Homecoming 2013 was a weird, weird time. Not only were ’17s literally allowed to participate in only the bonfire and the football game (though y’all did better than the ’13s in both those areas), but also Heorot decided to have Highlighter Party anyway. Highlighter without freshmen is doomed from the start. For freshmen, the big weekend ranking now goes like this: weekend after Homecoming >>>>>>>>>>>>> Carnival = Green Key >>>>>>> Homecoming. You’ll learn.
Don’t even get me started on the snow sculpture. Yeah, it collapsed that one time, but at least it was a pirate ship. This year, I know it’s supposed to be the Iron Throne but if we’re being real it’s probably going to look like a Lego Throne with some cones on top. At least it’s not going to be literally a block of ice like it was my freshman year, or a cupcake that looked remarkably like a turd, or whatever those two things were supposed to be last year. Step it up, people.
Anyway, freshmen, this article is mostly for you. You’ve never experienced a big weekend before, so I’m going to lay out a few guidelines and stock players for y’all. Pay attention.
The Recent Alums: Compared to Homecoming and Green Key, there will probably be relatively few ’13s and ’12s here. They went to Dartmouth recently enough to remember how much Carnival sucks.
The Oooooold Alums: These guys are GREAT. Spot them by their baseball hats, plaid shirts, high-waisted pants (and not in the trendy way) and graying hair. Ask them to teach you speed. You will not get it. Occasionally they will have brought their wives to their old basement. You can tell immediately if these women went to Dartmouth. If they did, they will be leaning on the bar and chilling with the best of them. If they did not, they will be looking around them in horror, trying not to touch anything.
The Creepy Yuppie Alums: These guys are probably bankers/consultants/etc. who are done with their hazing period (Wall Street has a problem) and are too young to have a wife and kids but definitely too old to be in a basement. These are probably the guys who invented the Dartmouth Decade, which sounds like a thing but is really a way for creepy older men to hit on newly legal freshmen under the guise of tradition. Avoid at all costs unless you’re into it. There are not many girls in this demographic, and if there are I have no idea what they’re doing because I’ve never seen one.
The Freshman Who Gets Good Sammed: Just don’t be that person.
The Couple That Decides To Do the Seven: Two people (that I know of) did this my freshman year, and one got frostbite on his hands. Hats off to you guys – that’s dedication. For all of you who are not completely insane, maybe wait until Green Key to do this one. Carnival is a time for Top of the Hop and the stacks.
There is not much else to say about Carnival. Carnival freaking sucks. 82 days until Green Key!