Stuff Dartmouth Kids Like: The Return
Welcome back, Dartmouth! To my column, that is. That's right, everybody — come one, come all, because Stuff Dartmouth Kids Like is back! (For all the '17s who don't know, this column is the best thing since the Drunkest Girls at the Party briefly blacked in each week to grace The Mirror with their words. I'm not explaining that one, look it up.) Promptly after strongarming the new Dartbeat editors into giving me precious column inches (just kidding, the Internet is infinite in this and all other moments), I sat down and penned all 20 of my columns, give or take, for the rest of my time here at Dartmouth.
Just kidding, that's absurd. Actually, I'm currently ensconced in a seat on the Dartmouth Coach, which means that by the time it’s published, this column will have been alive for longer than every paper I've ever written before I turned it in and the Britney Spears-Jason Alexander marriage.
Though it may not seem like it, I do have a point. 2013, for better or worse, was the year of the listicle, and I would hate to let down the entire student body of Dartmouth and all the devoted alumni I'm sure are reading this column by publishing an actual article. As some of you may know, I have been on The Dartmouth's editorial directorate for the past year, which not only means I have spent an ungodly amount of time in Robo, but also that I have not been able to share with you all the snarky things I have to say about this place.
So instead of going with one of my original column ideas, which included 17 Times We Didn't Understand Wes Schaub's Definition of Hazing, 12 Things that Are Harder than Beta's Sink Night and The Best Weather-Related Tweets/Statuses/Instagrams By Dartmouth Students in 2013, I decided to take this opportunity to make up for all the missed ones. Without further ado (am I allowed to say this if there's been so much already?), welcome to Some of the Things I Would Have Written About If I Hadn't Been On the Directorate (or, My GPA Could Have Been So Much Higher But What Are You Gonna Do).
The Dimensions Protest
“Memorial Day counts as a day of reading period, we don’t celebrate half the Jewish or federal holidays, and sometimes the high temperature is negative 25 degrees before wind chill but for this we’ll cancel class? What could the administration possibly be thinking? Meh, we’ll take it.” – the Dartmouth student body.
The Freshman Ban
The GLC basically just created the world’s best opportunity for a black market for alcohol. Where’s Liquor For Hard Guys when you need ’em? The GLC also just ensured that Tri-Kap and Chi Gam are empty and Wheelock Street is celibate for the first six weeks of winter term. Zing!
Dartmouth Compliments/Dartmouth Crush/Likealittle/Dartmouth Secret Hate (oh wait, that’s just Bored at Baker)
Straight-up creepy.
Tinder
Creepier. But this was definitely a good way to weed out losers with flip phones. Sooo B-side, right guys??
Friendsy
I’m sensing a trend here. Apparently we are all repressed and lonely. Also, I don’t understand why there is a “friend” option. Literally nobody ever made a Friendsy account to make new friends.
Phil Hanlon ’77
Partly because he was an alumnus, partly because simply by going to Dartmouth he’s already been here longer than JYK ever was, but mostly his ’stache. #oohkillem
Frats Behaving Badly
It’s all sort of been downhill for the Greek system since He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named decided he wanted a book deal. Which is understandable – the cocaine possession charges on his record have probably precluded the possibility of traditional employment. From peeing off balconies to leaked emails cautioning brothers not to force pledges to drink (nobody rages anymore), this year was certainly a PR nightmare for Wes Schaub. But if you ask me, I’d rather eat a vomelette than potentially get my face blown off.
Collis Renovations
I was promised shorter lines. Instead, the lines now go in four opposite directions, meaning that both the small-as-ever seating area AND the just-as-narrow entryway are completely packed with people, always. This one may not be Dartmouth’s fault, though. We just may not be great with lines. Except in the basement.
That Time a Dartmouth Administrator Narced on a Student
This whole situation seems creepy beyond belief. To be fair, kid – you don’t need a fake ID to drink in Hanover. If you want a drink with dinner just order EBAs to your pong game.