The Hook Up: The frightful freedom of friends with benefits
“Friends with benefits” is a pretty agreeable phrase taken at face value. Who doesn’t like friends? Further, who doesn’t like benefits? I certainly like both, individually and as a sum of their parts. However, my enthusiasm has been tempered by others’ experiences. Talking to a friend about friends with benefits, she brought up the concept of “settling” for less than a romantic relationship. In my mind, a f*ck buddy partnership isn’t settling; our communities’ inability to conceive of sex outside of marriage-track relationships or isolated incidents of drunken hook-ups is. In a culture of extremes, intermediary relationships turn poisonous, if they exist at all.
Dr. Lisa Wade, a sociologist from Occidental College, said in a recent talk at Dartmouth that most college students would be happy with a sexual relationship that was emotionally meaningful, even if it fell short of romance. I believe this is true. To singularly emphasize the importance of my experiences in romantic relationships ignores the significance of certain friends (and yes, friends with benefits) have had in my life. These non-romantic relationships can provide sexual experience and pleasure without the pressures of a relationship. Respect can be understood without what a friend once called “the time commitment of a club president” that a boyfriend or girlfriend can necessitate. Ultimately, romantic incompatibility does not equal sexual incompatibility for many of us. I’d argue that hooking up can allow friendships to reach new levels of understanding and intimacy, not just because you’ve seen each other naked, but also because you’re forced to talk about what you both want and prove that you’ll respect each other’s wishes.
To talk openly about what you want — while sober — without the set construct of a monogamous relationship is a vulnerable position. It could be embarrassing or awkward or painful. But, if everyone was open to this, it could yield countless possibilities. Any friends who you’ve wanted to make out with (and I know you have them) can be smooched without fear that your casual Foco date just became a Foco Date-with-a-capital-“D”. Monogamy becomes an option, instead of the only option. The entire process of dating or hooking up opens up if you aren’t terrified of embarrassing yourself or offending someone. We could adopt early twentieth century traditions and start being courted by gentleman/gentlelady callers. With early twenty-first century sexual norms, this means an influx in calling cards requesting dates and hook-ups without future expectations or promises, but with respect and communication. Relationships can be sustained on sex without love or love without sex, if that’s what you both want.
Of course, freedom comes at a price. If you lose expectations, you sacrifice stability. Is it worth it? Probably not always — and that’s completely fine. However, I truly believe that just because a sexual relationship isn’t a committed, romantic one, it isn't any less important, constructive or meaningful.