The Hook Up: Enthusiastic consent
That means that if you press someone to say yes after five nos, whatever you are doing is not consensual. If you are doing something that you know your partner would not agree to sober, it is not consensual. If someone doesn’t say no but doesn’t say yes with clear verbal or nonverbal cues, that is not consensual. I don’t think anyone who is reading this right now is so lacking in compassion that they do not understand this to some degree. We sense these things are wrong, whether we do them, friends do them or acquaintances do them. We try to cover up our feelings by using words like “take advantage” or “misunderstanding.” And sometimes, people manage to fool themselves with this mindset. I know otherwise rational people who believe that some girls just need some convincing or that if a guy is hard, he wants to have sex. This honestly scares me.
I’m not saying that every time someone has sex without receiving enthusiastic consent, he or she has committed sexual assault. It is very possible to have freely given and openly communicated consent that is not based on incredible sexual pleasure; asexual people who chose to have sex come to mind. However, if we at Dartmouth learn to conceptualize sex as something based upon the pleasure and enjoyment of all the parties involved, much of our ongoing discussion about sexual assault turns from one about definitions into asking people why the hell they would be hooking up with someone who isn’t totally into it.
Changing how we define sex and consent means checking in with the other person, looking for signs that he or she is okay and excited about what is happening. You can figure out what works and what doesn’t rather than wondering if they’re enjoying it, because they would be telling you they are. And if he or she isn’t, at any time, you would stop. End of story. Sex isn’t just one person getting off, it’s about two people making each other feel good. Rape is what happens when people forget, or simply do not believe, this. Sexual assault is the denial of others' right to decide what they want. It is when someone puts his or her own needs, based on sex, or often the nonsexual demonstration of power, above someone else’s pleasure and autonomy in a way that is unthinkably cruel and destructive.
Serious discussions on sexual assault can be scary and alienating, and they can complicate the already difficult task of talking about sex with a partner. This doesn’t have to be true; enthusiastic consent and understanding the value of one’s partner’s pleasure has the potential to prove how conversely wonderful a positive, mutual sexual experience can be. Consent and genuine care for our sexual partners’ well-being and pleasure should be woven into our definition of sex. I, for one, believe that we’re capable of caring about each other enough to make it happen.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, so keep an eye out for activities to support survivors and educate yourself. Additionally, the SAPA website has a great list of resources on sexual assault.