The Hook Up: A step-by-step guide to buying a vibrator
1. The debate: online vs. in store? Some reputable places to buy sex toys online include Smitten Kitten(which has a special focus on environmentally friendly and safe toys) and Babeland (well organized, with lots of lists to help you shop). While these sites allow you to shop from the privacy of your room and will be subtle in packaging so you don’t get weird stares at Hinman, a real store has the appeal of a physical, psychological and/or sexual journey.
2. Having decided to venture out of your dorm room, your best bet is Un Dun in West Leb. It’s only about a 15 minute ride, so find someone who is both interested in sex toys and has a car. This person may prove to be a valuable friend to keep around in general.
3. Before departing for Un Dun, remember to bring your ID to prove that you are over 18! Pull it out and awkwardly indicate to the guy working the check out counter that you want to go to the back room. The store employee will escort you to the back, or just wave you back there. I’m unclear on the protocol, but I'm pretty sure they switch it up for me because I look like a 16-year-old.
4. When arriving in the fabled back room, take a second to adjust. On one of my friend’s first trips, she walked in, saw a three-foot long penis and proceeded to go into a state of shock. She then refused to talk for the next twenty minutes as I chatted with the employee about whether Swedish toys are really better than all-American brands. Eventually, I bought the item she indicated (with a stiff nod) on my credit card due to her unfounded fear of having her mother discover the purchase.
5. Survey the wares. I would suggest getting an idea of what you want beforehand by looking through Babeland’s guides, though a basic bullet vibe is usually a good starter. Also, any guys who are still reading this instead of vigorously command+Q-ing to protest the domination of women-related issues in discussion of sex and sexuality, Babeland has a good listing of men’s toys for you to figure out what you might want to look for too!
6. Get distracted by the lube/porn selection, pipes “for tobacco use only" or the extraordinarily cheerful salesman — but remain dedicated to your end goal.
7. Pay. Money actually does lead to quality on this one, sadly, so those who lay down the big bucks will be rewarded later.
8. Celebrate by going home and putting your new toy to use immediately (which gets awkward if your driver is also your roommate), or by going to Panera Bread for dinner if you’re already off campus. Lets be real, those bread bowls are another near religious experience, of a very different kind...
[1] I feel the need to qualify that I actually read it before my 2A where I had to discuss it. Readings for the class have tended to contain a lot of footnotes, which have obviously seeped into my writing for this week.
[2] I was also briefly interested in becoming an actual missionary, nun or monk for a portion of middle school which led me to attended Christian youth group, take a conditional pledge of abstinence and read the entire Bible. I’ve since downgraded to irregular churchgoer status.