How do I turn a situationship into a relationship?
There is only one reason why situationships don’t become relationships: The person does not like you enough, for one reason or another, to put a label on it. We dress this truth up in all sorts of fancy ways — they’re afraid of commitment, they want to enjoy their college years, etc. — but it’s all deflection. The truth is that if they really, really liked you, they’d date you. There is something holding them back. This is not necessarily a bad thing — it just might mean that they don’t know you well enough. It’s just a matter of understanding what this barrier is and addressing it.
Be honest with yourself. It’s hard. But if you have been in a situationship for more than one month, I urge you to sit down with yourself and be brutally honest. Do you want more with this person, or are you content with the situation as it exists? A warning: it’s very easy to tell yourself that you’re okay with it because you’re afraid of losing the connection that you have. We’ve all done it before. If you’re truly content, don’t do anything. But if you were truly content, I doubt you’d be reading this column. If you have that nagging feeling, the one we all know, you have to accept that the situationship as it exists is not for you. In that case, there is one course of action: The Talk.
Be direct, be polite, be reasonable. I want something more with you, and I was wondering where your head is at. There’s a good chance that they agree, and you make it official! In the case that they are wishy-washy or have a different view of where the relationship should go, be clear. I don’t think I can continue this without some kind of label. You might think this sounds crazy, but you’ll thank yourself for it a thousand times over. This line is the only way to protect your sanity. If this seems to make them reconsider, a longer talk is needed. If it doesn’t, I would cordially end things right then and there.
It’s hard, but it’s really that simple. If you find yourself regretting cutting them off because they couldn’t commit, trust in this one thing: You’ll never regret respecting yourself in the long run.
- Eli
Not all situationships are doomed to fail.
According to Google, a situationship is “a romantic or sexual relationship that is not considered to be formal or established.” You’ve probably been in one. Or five.
But the term itself is more of an umbrella than a diagnosis. It can mean the talking stage, a two-month undefined thing, post-breakup limbo or even a before-and-after scenario with the same person. It’s the most non-personal, emotionally-distant way to define a relationship, which is exactly what makes it so scary. You’re in something, but it’s so amorphous it might as well be nothing. It’s a placeholder for a more specific label.
Still, that doesn’t make a situationship a dead end. It can be a beginning, if both people are on the same page.
At Dartmouth, labels are even murkier. Everyone is chronically overcommitted, emotionally avoidant or “focused on their academics.” People disappear into internships, study abroads and off-term backpacking trips. Maybe you kissed in October, texted all of Winterim, and now it’s January and they’re in Barcelona. Are you still in something?
Let’s say you’re seeing someone. You go to their semis and formals. You talk late into the night. You’ve even gone on a few dates. There’s connection, intimacy, time spent together. But no label, no agreement, no clarity. Some people are content with this but maybe you’re not. What now?
The way out of the gray area is consensus.
The first checkpoint: Ask yourself, do I genuinely believe this person wants a relationship?
If the answer is “I don’t know,” or if you feel like you’re trying to convince them, that’s a sign this will either simmer and die or just quietly fizzle out. Whatever this in-between is, be honest with yourself. You can’t convince someone to care as much as you do — and you don’t deserve crumbs.
Second checkpoint: Initiate the conversation. I’ve been the person hoping they’ll bring it up first. Spoiler: they didn’t.
The sooner the better; nothing progresses without it. Try saying: “Hey! I really like what we’ve had going on. I’ve been thinking about what I want, and I want to know how you’re feeling too.” Reword that how you like.
Read their response, and not just the words. Do they seem relieved? Excited? Distant? Vague? You’re not listening for a “yes” or “no.” You’re paying attention to how they show up in the conversation. That tells you more than any label.
If the situationship does not turn into a relationship, it’s not necessarily doomed to stay in purgatory. It just means you have to be honest with yourself and your emotional boundaries. Remember: a situationship, like a relationship, has no timeline. It can last a month, a few months, even a year or more. How long it lasts is based on how long you let it.
A situationship becomes a relationship when two people want the same thing and are willing to talk about it. Both of those things have to be true. Not just one.
As for the dreaded situationship breakup, I am of no help. Except to say that you’ll still see them around. You always do here!
- Leila
Freak of the Week is a weekly relationship advice column co-written by Leila Brady ’27 and Eli Moyse ’27. If you’d like to submit a question, email it to dartmouthfreakoftheweek@gmail.com
Eli Moyse ’27 is an opinion editor and columnist for The Dartmouth. He is from Connecticut, and studies government and creative writing.
On campus, Eli is an active member of the Dartmouth Political Union and Dartmouth Army ROTC. He attends Dartmouth on an ROTC scholarship, and upon graduation, he will commission as a Second Lieutenant in the U.S. Army. He has been an active writer and political organizer from a young age, working on over 15 political campaigns varying from local to presidential races, and publishing both fiction and nonfiction on various platforms.
First and foremost, Eli loves to write, and he intends to make some form of it his full time career after his time in the Army.
