Can I just replace this week’s column with former Rep. Todd Akin’s speech following his 2012 loss for some position I don’t remember? So much weirder and more entertaining than I’ll ever be.
No? Okay. Well, this week has certainly been a whirlwind. The midterm elections, me discovering Nick Jonas’s hit single “Jealous” and really just everything about those darn midterm elections.
For the sake of journalistic integrity, I will attempt to be “fair and balanced,” the Fox News motto. And just to be totally clear — that was not a joke. That is the organization’s official motto. Just in case you don’t watch Fox News on the reg, like I do. I hear Phil Hanlon is similarly obsessed with Shepard Smith (who NEVER responds to my tweets, just like all the others...).
In 2012, I did the whole absentee ballot deal, voting as a proud Pennsylvanian. This time, I failed to send in my absentee ballot forms by the required date, but thank gosh, New Hampshire allows same-day registration.
Surrounded by a few other politically engaged Dartmouth students, I entered the shining gates of the Hanover High School gymnasium. And when I say surrounded by, let me be clear that I do not know these other students. I just got lost in the mix. Avoiding bumping into senior citizens left and right (because who else really votes?) proved to be a test of both agility and tact. The level of excitement surrounding midterm elections was evident in that gym. The silence was deafening.
After his defeat for a New Hampshire Senate seat, I wonder if Scott Brown — who won Ted Kennedy’s Massachusetts Senate seat in a special election — will head back to where he came from, whether that means Massachusetts or the pages of Cosmopolitan magazine. If this doesn’t ring any bells for you, then it’s time you re-evaluate your priorities.
Forget common sense or crediting the political savvy of incumbent Democratic Senator Jeanne Shaheen. Cosmopolitan itself threw Brown, its 1982 “Sexiest Man in America,” under the bus.
“While we wish we could support the man who once posed nude in our pages, his policy positions just aren’t as solid as his abs were in the ’80s,” Cosmo said, endorsing Shaheen.
Perhaps what’s been most upsetting to many of us in the wake of the midterm elections is the devastating loss Clay Aiken suffered on Tuesday. That little redhead (Scott Brown’s got nothing on him!) from American Idol lost in his bid for a House seat in North Carolina’s second congressional district. Clay just can’t catch a break! Maybe he should take a page out of Scott Brown’s book and relocate.
Of course, that wasn’t the only grave mistake that occurred on Election Day.
According to U.S. News the governor of the “Show Me State” showed a little too much Tuesday when staffers put up a photo of Gov. Jay Nixon, D-Mo, at the polls. Beside Nixon: a woman whose pants hung low. Buttcrack or no buttcrack, I’m just glad to see someone under the age of 65 showed up to vote (there’s no way that crack belongs to anyone over 50).
It’s been a rough fallout post-Election Day. And I’m not talking about the results. After casting my ballot — and nearly asking one of the voting-day volunteers where to write my name on the ballot — I stopped by Lou’s to get some chicken noodle soup. I left with glazed cider donuts and crullers with maple glaze and bacon (amazing) on top.
My intentions were pure. I’d eat one myself and offer one to all my friends who were rocking the same “I voted” sticker. But alas, except for Phil and Gail, who were spotted couple’s voting, none of my friends had voted. - (Or they just had a disdain for tacky stickers. It’s unclear)
If the statistics I read in the “liberal media” are to be trusted, it seems young voters once again failed to exercise their rights. And I blame the youth of America for forcing me to consume all of those sweets alone in a scarily short period of time.
