Ebola is permeating American society in every way, except in the way that is literal. Here’s hoping I didn’t just jinx myself and the American public. I’m pretty unknowledgeable about Ebola in part due to the historical truth that hard, non-quasi/pseudo-science has never been my strong suit. Despite the uncontrollable media circus surrounding Ebola, I still don’t really understand anything about the disease’s epidemiology.
Don’t get me wrong — Ebola is a huge issue in some other countries and for all I know (since I don’t know how this disease spreads and I’m not sure anyone does) it could become an epidemic. Scratch that, apparently it actually is technically an epidemic. Whatever you say, CDC.
You are probably asking yourself, “What does Marian think the federal government should do to prevent Ebola from spreading through the U.S. population?”
I’m glad you asked, Phil.
Let’s look at what some other countries have done. I was so pleased to hear — but sadly not from the horse(faced) mouth of Dennis Rodman — that Kim Jong Un was back in action, cane and all, as the supreme leader of North Korea and an even bigger basketball fan than Obama. According to the Associated Press, “Koryo Tours posted an announcement on its Twitter and Facebook accounts saying it has been told that no foreign tourists would be allowed into North Korea beginning Friday.” That’s today.
Hopefully, this ban will be lifted by the holiday season for all the honeymooners and families in the U.S. and around the globe who’ve already made arrangements to see the sites that North Korea claims — I mean, has — to offer. What about Dennis Rodman? But I have a burning feeling that he’s got some venereal diseases that are just as, if not more, easily spread than Ebola. Dennis, you dog!
Luckily, Bentley — the dog whose owner had Ebola — has a) not been euthanized and b) his Ebola tests came back negative. If you’re thinking, “screw the dog!” then Google Image search “Bentley Ebola” or some variation on that. You don’t have to be a dog-lover to want to kidnap that thing and raise it as your own. According to CNN, “More specimens will be collected [of Bentley] before the end of the 21-day quarantine.” Hang in there, buddy — I’m coming to jailbreak you! I’ve already gotten us matching yellow hazmat jumpsuits.
Weirdly enough, thinking about Ebola really reminds me of Donald Trump. If Trump makes a successful bid for the Republican ticket in the 2016 presidential elections, you know he won’t let us back in the country (assuming neither Ebola nor the human race is eradicated before the next president takes office). And let’s be clear — he has by no means given up on his dream of being the leader of the free world, which I already find to be a pretty screwed up place.
Nonetheless, Donald has been retweeting tweets supporting his next try for U.S. president. And people thought Obama was unqualified. Let’s take a moment to reminisce on some of Trump’s tweets regarding the American missionaries infected in Liberia who were both successfully treated in the ATL. On Aug. 1, @realDonaldTrump wrote, “The U.S. cannot allow EBOLA infected people back. People that go to far away places to help out are great — but must suffer the consequences!”
Showing us he’s got the intuition of a world leader, Trump’s been an early pioneer of banning flights from Ebola’d countries from entering the U.S. On Aug. 2, he told his 2,730,000 followers the following message — “The U.S. must immediately stop all flights from EBOLA infected countries or the plague will start and spread inside our ‘borders.’ Act fast!”
Trump now refers to the disease as “Ebola” rather than “EBOLA.” I’m relieved to see that he no longer thinks EBOLA is an acronym for the disease. However, I must commend Trump on his Twitter presence — his tweets about Obama, among other topics, are his own personal brand of #realtalk, and it’s clear he doesn’t give two you-know-whats about censoring himself. His incessant tweets about Obama are more outrageous than Amanda Bynes’s tweet on July 8, 2013 that read, “Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are ugly!” But according to Trump (via Twitter), Obama also belongs in a psychiatric care facility with the troubled starlet.
Maybe we should focus a little of our attention away from ourselves and try to help treat and prevent Ebola victims in Liberia, other places and Mali, as of a few hours ago. Of course this is tricky because actually going to the afflicted regions and helping may very well result in getting Ebola. But a little fundraising never killed nobody — in fact, it’s been known to do quite the opposite! Idea for the Greek community and what one guest columnist called the “silent majority” (quite a loaded term to use in the context of Ivy League Greek houses): raise money for Ebola, and then you will sway the administration away from the insane and journalistically irresponsible (you tell ’em, angry students on Facebook!) opinions of The D’s editorial board. They’ve gone wild. The girls — and boy — of the editorial board have gone wild!
