Today’s news coming to you straight outta Pyongyang ... or not.
Did you ever play the ’90s computer game “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” I really loved it. As we speak, the world — myself included — is dying to know the whereabouts of North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.
KJU hasn’t been spotted in more than a month. It appears that Kim Yo Jong, KJU’s sister — who is believed to have been born in 1987 or 1988 — has taken over KJU’s duties for the time being. On the topic of birth dates, take an educated guess as to the ages of KJU and his friend Dennis Rodman. Is it just me, or is it SHOCKING that:
a) KJU is a spring chicken at 31 and b) Rodman is 53. If you are unfamiliar with Rodman’s eccentric-yet-constantly-in-flux “style” (and/or are looking for a villain to haunt your dreams), please take a moment to Google Image-search the term “Dennis Rodman.”
Just a moment ago, I sent a tweet to Rodman asking him if he knew of KJU’s whereabouts. No word yet but I eagerly await his response. Then again, Rodman’s last tweet was sent on Oct. 3, so he may be in rehab or under a totalitarian and/or communist regime. In case you’ve somehow missed out on the most gripping international affairs story of the last decade, allow me to fill you in.
The two became fast friends upon meeting in North Korea when Rodman was there for basketball exhibitions (I don’t understand how/why either). Rodman and his posse are the only Americans to ever have met KJU since he took power, or so my inside sources tell me.
This friendship has since blossomed. Not only has the star been to North Korea more times than anyone should, but he also serenaded the dictator on his birthday (hilarious — watch it on YouTube), is coaching the North Korean basketball team and has furiously defended KJU, describing him as his best friend on multiple occasions. Maybe the leader brainwashed him and is sending Rodman back to the U.S. for total world domination.
Am I the only one who feels like he or she (wouldn’t you like to know!) is living in an alternate universe if Rodman is the only hope our nation has for its relationship with North Korea?
The fact that Rodman is buddies with KJU just proves (because I think we were all a little torn on our thoughts about North Korean government) that North Korea is the hot mess we all already knew it was.
Meanwhile, the Internet has been abuzz with the rumor that Rodman would bless the Middle East with his diplomatic efforts. On Sept. 20, @dennisrodman wrote the following — “The story about me visiting ISIS leaders is NOT true. Some website is trying to be like @TheOnion, except without the humor or wit.” And there you have it.
Back to the issue at hand. Did KJU go to rehab? Are KJU and Rodman in rehab ... together? Are they both just hiding out somewhere in North Korea? That might explain why a certain someone (you know who you are!) hasn’t tweeted me back. I’m just making an educated guess, but I have a feeling even the esteemed Rodman doesn’t have Twitter access over there. Then again, the same goes for rehab — or at least that’s the case in “Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew,” which Rodman was a cast member of in the show’s second season. AND he was on the second season of “Sober House.”
You may be wondering my qualifications to speak on this subject. It all started in seventh-grade history ... isn’t that always how it starts? For our public speaking “competition” (I still don’t know why this was part of our history curriculum), I chose to speak on the demilitarized zone separating South Korea (<3) and North Korea (boo). Despite having harassed my teacher before and after class that day, ultimately I went home empty-handed and broken-hearted. Was I not the natural orator I’d always assumed I was? Keep in mind, this was back in the day when I held out hope that I would win school awards for which I had none of the prerequisites and was completely unqualified.
As someone — an astrologist? Plato? Aristotle, was that you? — once said, “shoot for the moon and you’ll land among the stars.” If by stars you mean a plush pile of Juicy Couture tracksuits not located in or near North Korea, great. You know what I mean, Phil.
Per my brother’s suggestion, on Jan. 1, 2014, I rang in the New Year by watching the documentary “Inside North Korea.” Having given a 60-second speech on the DMZ and having experienced North Korea for myself via Netflix, I think I know what I’m talking about. Mostly, though, it’s the only country I’m qualified to discuss because it’s the only country where even the U.S. government doesn’t know what the eff is going on.
