As graduation looms closer, I need as much guidance as possible. Forget academic advisors and CDP — I’ve recently discovered that the sage wisdom provided through astrology is the way to go. Here’s what the New York Post’s “Postrology” section had to say to me and all the other Cancers out there: “The choices you make over the next few days will have a major impact on your social or professional reputation, so make them wisely. Above all don’t let other people rush you into cutting corners or cutting back on essentials. Do it right.”
After reading that, I decided to do it right. I quickly got rid of the column I planned to submit this week, which wasn’t that relevant anyway. Was this reading a sign from the stars referring to my career prospects when I graduate in eight months or so?
Well it’s too late for that one — last week’s career fair didn’t fit in with my social (i.e., Netflix) schedule. Job prospects are grim, and I certainly didn’t do myself any favors by not attending this, or any other event, planned by our dedicated Center for Professional Development. I’ve been down that road before. So, I’ve got to ask myself the tough but essential question — what [D-list] celebrity do I want to emulate in my career and life? What kind of impact do I want to have? What legacy do I want to leave on this world?
Naturally, I immediately scrolled through my Twitter feed to find out.
Maybe I should emulate a Dartmouth grad, I thought to myself. Who pops up in my feed but Dinesh D’Souza ’83, conservative pundit and Obama conspiracy theorist (a real gem). As we all know, D’Souza was sentenced to spend eight months in a confinement center, five years on probation and a lot of time contemplating his life choices. While he is narrowly avoiding (real) jail time, I’d rather not follow in his footsteps.
Also in the headlines was Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino of the hit MTV show “Jersey Shore.” Sorrentino pleaded not guilty in federal court Wednesday to tax and conspiracy charges, I guess sometimes fame doesn’t pay. If those two, who have nothing whatsoever in common — and whose names have probably never been uttered in the same sentence — both succumbed to greed and corruption, is any celebrity or pseudo-celebrity safe? Am I safe?If this controversial (in terms of Sorrentino’s strained and platonic relationship with the beloved Snooki) reality star can make $9 million dollars doing whatever it is that he does over the course of five years, then I think it’s time for me to drop out of school and get myself on a reality show.
Of course, there is one Head Bitch In Charge who isn’t facing indictment, and who has become a role model in my life. I am, of course, talking about Choupette Lagerfeld, the sharp-tongued feline companion of Chanel and Fendi designer, Karl Lagerfeld. Reportedly Lagerfeld refused to lend her out to other designers, explaining that she’s above the commercial lifestyle. However, she’s inspired handbags, a makeup collection and a book — but most of all, she’s inspired me. She’s clearly living the life. She has two maids, Francoise and Marjorie, who take care of her and track her everyday activities. According to her Wikipedia page, she prefers Francoise. When I grow up, I want to play favorites among those who tend to me.
But furry friends aside, there are a few other celebrities whose careers I would love to model. Over the past two weeks, I have become obsessed with Joan Rivers. I’ve heard many use the word “legend” to describe her since her death, and while I wish I could say that she’s been my hero for a long time, I only knew her as the old woman on E!’s show “Fashion Police.” However, on the day of her funeral, I discovered the gold that is “Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best?” — a “reality” show based on the premise of Rivers moving in with her daughter Melissa and Melissa’s 9-year-old son, Cooper. It’s simply delightful.
As a comedian, I know that you always have to stay current. Rivers was no exception — just look at the evolution of her face over the decades of her career. I would like to thank Joan for her irreverent, unapologetic and often biting words. And although that kind of comedic genius is a rare gift that most people only think they possess, we should all take a page from her book (actually, I think she’s written more than one).
I’m reluctant to think of a world without Joan Rivers’s jokes, but then again, until two weeks ago I didn’t know a world with her jokes. Of course with death comes new life, and it’s (reportedly) coming straight out of Beyonce’s womb. But that’s a topic for next week. So, readers (Phil, have you gotten this far?), I want to leave you with this advice — say what’s on your mind and don’t apologize, unless you are D’Souza, in which case you should apologize for everything you say. Lastly, more four-letter expletives, please.
That’s the advice I’ll follow once I start my job search (emphasis on start). I have no doubt it will serve me well.
