Your parents have arrived, and it’s time to hide the empty liquor handles, vacuum the EBA crumbs off your dorm carpet and iron that shirt your mom says brings out your eyes. We want to take this time to impart a little wisdom. Here is a handy survival guide for those of you freaking out about the next 72 hours.
SONGS TO GET YOU THROUGH PARENTS’ WEEKEND
“Fancy” - Iggy Azalea featuring Charli XCX: This song may not relate to the situation at all, but it solves any problem at hand. It will give you the confidence so you won’t feel sad when the ’rents ask if you’re dating anyone. “Have you learned anything useful in your classes this term?” “No, Mom, I just can’t worry about no haters, gotta stay on my grind.”
“Everything is Embarrassing” - Sky Ferreira: The title speaks for itself.
“Stacy’s Mom” - Fountains of Wayne: This will get you through long nights dreaming about your roommate’s hot mom. It will transport you back to a time when you could seduce your neighbor’s parents by mowing the lawn when they came out with just a towel on.
“I Got it From My Mama” - will.i.am: Finally your friends will understand how you got so damn fine. Show off that sexy woman who birthed you. Beauty overload, body out of control.
HOW TO HIDE THAT HANGOVER
1. Shower. Let’s be real, your hair smells, and your armpits do, too. You probably have frat sludge all over your legs.
2. Pick out a great Sunday school outfit, preferably in a bright spring color like yellow or mint green. These colors complement the purple bags under your eyes.
3. You have those expensive, oversized Ray Bans. Time to put them to good use. When they inquire why you’re wearing sunglasses in the dimly lit Pine, tell your parents you’re literally too cool for school. You’re kind of a Dartmouth celebrity and need to protect yourself and your identity from your throngs of fans.
4. Under no circumstances should you accept a long scenic nature drive with them. You may get sick. Hint: this may or may not have happened to one of us.
5. When your parents try to be “hip” and “with it” and “chill” and offer you a sip of wine, refuse. Tell them, “How dare you? You know I am morally against underage drinking, Mommy. Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a Shirley Temple?”
PLACES TO SEND YOUR PARENTS WHILE YOU’RE AT DERBY/PIGSTICK
King Arthur Flour Factory: They won’t catch on because it’s not too far away, but they will definitely get wrapped up while viewing all the different types of flour that King Arthur has bestowed upon the Upper Valley. “Gee whiz, where did those four hours go? Why do you smell like a trash can and pigs and horse races?”
Hike: They will be thrilled that you’re concerned about their risk of cardiac disease and high blood pressure. “Dad, I know you’ve been trying to get rid of that gut forever. I’ve been on a few hikes to Gile since I’ve got here.” Little do they know that you haven’t actually hiked since Trips.
Ben and Jerry’s Factory: Pretend it’s right around the corner. Send them off with complicated directions. They never learned how to use their iPhone map app anyway. Plus, you may get some melted ice cream out of it.
Grocery shopping: Tell your parents you’re worried about your dietary habits since you left their healthy bosom. You’re not even eating three to five servings of vegetables every day. Gasp! Mom is on it. Dad will tag along.
HOW TO SHOW THEM YOUR "WHOLESOME" DARTMOUTH EXPERIENCE
Introduce them to your professors: Double points. Your parents will see that you actually go to class, and your professors will consider you a charming, family-oriented student. Now that your professor can see your humble beginnings, they may be more likely to give you that citation. Ignore this section if you haven’t attended class since week one.
Top of Baker Tower: The College always opens up the mysterious green tower for special occasions. Climb those stairs, get to the summit, shout “Hallelujah!” Pull out that Nikon. Put your arm around mom and pop. Pick a cute Instagram filter. Prepare for all the likes to roll in. Consider making it your profile picture. Decide you don’t want to be that kid. Make it a Derby mupload instead.
Have them meet the frat puppies: They may have had their suspicions about frats, but after seeing the golden beauty that is Samson, all doubts will be erased. Just make sure you don’t venture below the first floor.
Bonus: If your parents are cool, teach them pong. Warning: If your dad just sank three cups in a row while you’ve been practicing for nine months and still can’t hit a cup, your parents have just upstaged you, which is embarrassing for all parties involved.
