Writing this column was incredibly difficult. What is there really to say about Green Key weekend? There are many parties. Some of them are outside, because the weather is often nice. Unlike Homecoming with its creepy rituals and Winter Carnival with its forced attempts at "being fun" instead of dogs pulling the sleds, we're using humans! to make you forget that it's colder than a well-digger's ass, as my dad would say, Green Key is not a weekend of many gimmicks. The arrival of spring requires little celebration beyond simply reveling in good weather with good company.
For some, enjoying Green Key means four days of beer and sun-soaked debauchery. For others, it's another weekend in the library. Regardless of how you chose to spend your weekend, I've created my own bucket list for you to spice up your Green Key. You might remember that last week, I challenged the concept of a bucket list and the way it can make us overly concerned with sharing what we did instead of simply enjoying the experiences themselves. Well, these might not be items you brag about, but the reward will be your own self-satisfaction.
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Reveal the connection behind ASAP Rocky and Real Talk Dartmouth protesters and advocates. Speculation abounds amongst campus cultural pundits and conspiracy theorists on the parallels between the chorus of ASAP's hit song, "F**kin' Problems" "I love bad bitches that's my f***kin' problem and the "Dartmouth has as a problem" refrain chanted at the Dimensions show protest.
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Befriend one of the musical performers and become their Dartmouth guide. Afroman might need some help, as on his tour schedule currently lists a concert in "Dartmouth, New Hampshire."
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Fly to France and bribe Major Lazer to play at Dartmouth. Offer the head of the swine roasted on Theta Delt's lawn, a case of frozen Keystone and your firstborn.
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Go to all of your classes. Seriously, we're here to learn, people.
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Pretend to be an obscure class year to fill someone's Dartmouth decade. Like '07s: who are they? They're probably a commodity for those who have already, um, "welcomed" the '17s and will be eager to "welcome" you back to Dartmouth, for as long as you can conceal your true identity.
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Green Key can be very overstimulating. So many parties! Take some time for yourself and spend an afternoon (or day) down by the river. Don't bring your phone. Try paddle-boarding?
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Go rogue and actively avoid any and all "big" parties. Unless you are particularly passionate about being pushed around by inebriated, sweaty humans, or are trying to pull a Gatsby and woo someone with a lavish party, you probably won't miss out on anything. Besides, Daisy would hate frats.**##
*I realize that the last two items are very antisocial, particularly on a weekend that revolves around socializing. Please ignore them if you are still at the stage in your Dartmouth career where you love all of your peers indiscriminately.
8.Realize how fortunate you are to be able to enjoy this weekend, if you are. It's not the dominant narrative, but not everyone is able to neglect all responsibility. The ability to forget, if only for a weekend, is a luxury.
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Reclaim one of Dartmouth's old, misogynistic traditions. What about "outdoor sleeps" on the golf course? Yes, that's exactly what it sounds like. People used to bring mattresses down there. Ladies, crown yourselves "Miss Green Key" and throw yourself a congratulatory celebration with much lots of wine and irony. Conduct your own "Green Key Sweetheart Search."
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'13s: Weep with joy and nostalgia in a public place.
But most of all, stay safe and keep it classy.
