At Dartmouth, we like to win. It's no secret we were all the best in our high schools and we all want to be the best now. Everything, it seems intramural sports, a volunteer event like the Prouty or the chariot races comes with a prize, whether it's money, a T-shirt or even just bragging rights. You can't always win, but The Mirror is here to help. We've compiled a list of the most important things one needs to do to win Dartmouth, year by year, complete with a point system. Don't forget to count repeats!
QUALIFYING ROUND (freshman year) 40 total points to advance Go on Trips, make frandz!: 2 points Fall asleep in your freshman seminar: 4 points Go to a Tri-Kap/Chi Gam dance party: 1 point Avoid getting mauled: 4 points Buy your class jersey at the Co-Op: 1 point Touch the fire: 5 points Rush the field: 2 points Abandon the superiority complex you had in high school: 5 points Find a club you love: 5 points Play pong: 1 point Polar Bear Swim: 3 points Make your parents take you to Murphy's over First-Year Family Weekend: 1 points Put EBAs in your phone: 2 points Host prospies, share infinite wisdom: 3 points Pretend to be a prospie, hide infinite wisdom: 3 points Submit your D-Plan on time: 2 points
QUARTERFINALS (sophomore year) 90 total points to advance Lead a Trip, mold young minds: 2 points Join/don't join a house because you want to, not because you think you should: 5 points Room with a friend: 2 points Make time for your un-affiliated friends during pledge term: 5 points Take EARS 6: 3 points Heckle at the bonfire: 3 points Go to the Fort: 4 points Streak something: 5 points Hand in your major card on time: 4 points Have an existential crisis, can't decide on a major: 4 points Discover how much better going out is as a sophomore: 4 points Make rude comments about freshmen, forget you were the same way: 4 points Host prospies again, realize how little you knew last time: 5 points
EXHIBITION ROUND (sophomore summer) bonus points, good for medal round totals Ledges/Copper Mines/Mink Brook: 4 points Ledyard Challenge: 5 points Get owned by Kohn: 4 points and a sympathy Keystone Do a circuit: 3 points Instagram everything: 1 point Go to the drive-in: 3 points Resolve to meet new people and actually do it: 5 points Play in M@sters: 3 points Win M@sters: 6 points Build a chariot for Fieldstock, everyone survives: 5 points
SEMIFINALS (junior year) 150 total points to advance Go abroad, have a "life-changing experience:" 5 points Gile Mountain fire tower hike: 5 points Collis Ray knows your name: 5 points Lament about how you peaked during sophomore summer: 4 points Actually peak during sophomore summer: -3 points Throw tennis balls at Princeton: 5 points Take a random class, discover a new passion and your new minor: 6 points Get tapped: 2 points Stop saying things like "A-side:" 4 points Cement your claim to your favorite study spot: 5 points Discover that off nights are better than on nights: 4 points Abandon your FOMO: 5 points Tell sophomores you are jealous of all that lies before them: 4 points
MEDAL ROUND (senior year) 35 credits and 225 total points to advance Come back early for Orientation: 6 points Every night is an on night: 5 points Finally take that swim test: 4 points Remember you've taken zero PE classes, go ice fishing and camping: 6 points Have enough credits to graduate: 3 points Remember to finish your major: 4 points Finish your thesis, stay sane: 6 points Get a Last Chances match: 6.9 points Watch the sun rise with your best friends during Senior Week: 5 points Teach your parents how to play pong: 5 points Carve your name into the wall on the Bell Tower tour: 6 points Bequest your possessions: 4 points Become gainfully unemployed: 5 points Get a job: 5 points Graduate: 10 points
GOLD MEDAL (350+ points): Congrats kid, you've won Dartmouth. You bleed green and white and will be an inspiration for generations to come. Your kids will probably come here and you will marry a Dartmouth alum. Get excited!
SILVER MEDAL (200-349 points): You may not have passed the Dartmouth Trials with flying colors, but you made a valiant attempt! You are graduating with a well-rounded experience and will have plenty of great stories under your belt to look back on fondly when you are gray and boring.
BRONZE MEDAL (50-199 points): Maybe you're involved in some areas of campus with which The Mirror is not terribly familiar or maybe you just slept through college. Either way, better luck next time! At least you medaled.
HONORABLE MENTION (0-49 points): Um do you go here?
