With the exception of that special satisfaction we get from stopping traffic on the reg by jaywalking, getting from one place to another around here is a huge hassle. In fact, it amazes me that students manage to drag their asses out of bed in the morning. Everything is far away, the weather is moody and walking, the only viable method of transportation available to us plebs, is thoroughly uninspired. And it's so, so cold.
Having somehow made it through these first two weeks of the term, I thought I would take this time to procrastinate on my problem set and propose some solutions to what I see as a very pressing campus issue: transportation or our lack thereof.
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(Heated) Zorbing: There are times when walking is not only cold, strenuous and time-consuming, but also overly facetimey and decidedly boring. To avoid old professors, avid fans, unexpected onslaughts of Axe "cologne" and awkward interactions with old flames such as that hot, skanky cheerleader I propose a slight alteration of the Kiwi-made Zorb: a heated Zorb. It's a big, blobby, insulated bouncy ball that anyone who weighs in at less than 285 lbs (yet another reason to avoid the gym) can fit inside, but it also would have a built-in heater. It's warm, asocial and fun. Warning: A strong stomach is key. You'll be going upside down a bit.
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Teleporting/Apparating: Renamed for all you Harry Potter fanatics, apparating is the Diet Coke of the transportation world: It's for everyone. If you're late, it's instantaneous. If you're lazy, it involves no exercise. If you're sneaky, it endows you with the element of surprise. While apparating, you manage to remain unscathed by the harshest of elements and unencumbered by social interaction all while maintaining a sense of whimsy-cool magic. Besides, it's the only mode of transportation on this list that could bust you out of Dick's House.
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Spinning/Zumba: To give your daily stroll from Topliff to Thayer a little more inspiration (and perspiration), I propose hiring a spinning or Zumba instructor to lead you to class every day. The constant hammering sound of their orders will not only wake you up, but ambiguous commands, such as "keep it up," "double time" and "spin for your soul" will both ward off your burgeoning army of admirers and render obsolete the need to drop the phrase, "Yeah, I work out," into every conversation.
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Broomsticks: I hope you Harry Potter kids realize how much love I have for you. Despite the inevitable splinters, lack of protection from the elements and absence of any aesthetic pleasure whatsoever, I must give a formal nod to the broomstick. A more rustic alternative to the pyro-friendly jetpack, the broomstick is the ideal flying apparatus for Dartmouth. It won't get damaged in the snow, parking is easy, it's environmentally friendly and if it stops working, you can set it on fire for warmth.
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Tron Cycles: Perfect for those days when you not only want to look cool but also kill anybody and everybody who tries to cross your path. Also good for justifying all-black and glow-in-the-dark bodysuits (best when used after having adopted the spinning/Zumba approach for a few weeks).
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Blimp: The ultimate flying machine of the 1910s, the blimp combines the best qualities of an indie hit: It's obscure and attention-grabbing. It comes complete with a serious lack of standing room (it makes Friday Night Rock look like Madison Square Garden), out-of-date gadgetry (digital technology is just so soulless) and retrofitted, bass-enhanced speakers (to better listen to the artist formerly known as Tim Bergling). Since parking is never difficult when you fight for your constitutional right to Occupy Anywhere, hipsters don't have to worry about losing their spot while floating over all the repugnance of everyday life (including, but not limited to, the gym, personal hygiene, Carly Rae Jepsen, econ majors and social capital). The one downside is that a designated driver is absolutely necessary unless you're the sort who anxiously awaits a fiery death. Side note: Seek help.
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Centaurs: Nothing beats the finals/midterms/hangover blues like a hot body atop a noble steed.
