I really wish that Herman Cain would spend more time in New Hampshire.
Not because I want him to win our primary, and not because he could actually ever win, but because New Hampshire deserves a chance to get to know America's favorite third-rate fast- food-mogul-turned-aspiring-national-politician. Or at least be entertained by him. We deserve the chance to figure out whether Cain is the most dangerous pizza man in America, whose policies and general clownishness will rapidly increase our already massive wealth divide, or if he is only a court jester.
If poll numbers are any indication, Cain has won over many voters in early primary states and even some in New Hampshire and, I shudder to think, even a few intelligent Dartmouth undergrads. Despite the ludicrous proposition that is his presidential campaign, reasonable people across the country must now take notice.
This weekend I had the pleasure of attempting to engage one of Dartmouth's very own conservative rap stars one half of the vexingly untalented but Fox News media-saturated, Ayn Rand fan boy duo "The Young Cons" with a political discussion about the GOP field. Maybe I caught the prep school Reaganomics gangsta at a bad time it was Friday night after all but when given a choice of Romney or Cain, David Rufful '12 muttered something about "conservative values" and "bold solutions" and said that he would have to back Cain. Though so-called "values voters" don't exactly abound in New Hampshire, it's worrisome to think that in many states, Cain might be able to hide his utter ineptitude and literally bankrupt policy plans behind boisterously stated, socially conservative stances. And then, of course, there's his signature "9-9-9" plan.
Upon beginning to fully comprehend Cain's "9-9-9" tax reform plan, potentially lifted from the default tax rates in the computer game Sim City (Cain claims that 9-9-9 are simply the "optimal" rates), I realized that it's possible for clowns to be both amusing and terrifyingly injurious. Though our Young Con, and many Americans, laud Cain's "quick fixes" and "bold solutions," they are utter poison for the American people. That's because Herman Cain is not a presidential candidate he's a snake oil salesman.
I have yet to read a positive review of the 9-9-9 plan from anyone. Most, if not all, economists agree that the plan would basically bankrupt the federal government and institute an incredibly deep, damaging and regressive tax increase on working-class families. Economist Michael Ettlinger has written that 9-9-9 "would be the biggest tax shift from the wealthy to the middle-class in the history of taxation, ever, anywhere, and it would bankrupt the country." Other reviews have shown that 9-9-9 would raise taxes on 84 percent of Americans a demographic that, I think it's obvious to point out, includes all working class and almost all middle class families.
Cain has proven yet again that in times of economic depression when anger against the government is pervasive, electoral prospects are strong for an "outsider" demagogue candidate with a simple message and slick communication skills. Our nouveau-Gilded-Age political culture, hijacked by lobbyists and monied corporate interests, has already made enough of a mockery of itself that it's hard to imagine that Cain could do any more damage, especially when it's unlikely that his imbecilic 9-9-9 plan could ever clear Congress on the slim chance that he is elected.
Unelectability aside, should we still be alarmed by Herman Cain? Or is it okay to laugh at the video of him singing "Imagine There's No Pizza" to the tune of John Lennon's "Imagine," at his double-breasted suits, transition lenses and inept question-dodging at debates ("The problem with that analysis is that it is incorrect!"), or should we be crying for our shamed political system? I'm not sure yet. Hopefully the Cain campaign will simply not survive the scrutiny of being taken seriously by the media how could it?
Serious times in our country call for serious measures. But they also call for seriously hilarious court jesters to relieve our tensions. So, Herman, if you're reading this, please come to New Hampshire soon. We could use a good laugh, and though most of your policy plans generally freak us out, we'll withhold judgment if you promise more unintentional self-satire, vacuous revivalist diction and policies lifted from outdated videogames. And if you promise to lose to one of the other slightly more reasonable candidates.
