Hello, first-year student, and congratulations. Bravo on your acceptance to the least lame Ivy League school and your newfound access to an extraordinary and fun-filled four years.
Be excited. And if you're not excited, get excited, because you're about to embark on a unique, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that will most likely never present itself again unless you fail to graduate and have to do a second round of college. In that case, you have bigger problems on your hands and should probably rein in the excitement.
With all that hype, you probably want to make certain you do the whole college thing right. You don't want to arrive in Hanover without a clue and, after a year of horrible decisions, realize you've turned into an irreversible weirdo (unless being weird is your thing in that case, you won't be alone). Consider this article your guide to the jungle that is Dartmouth College a map of dos and don'ts that will steer you away from awkward situations and lone encounters with hungry tigers or angry gorillas.
We'll start from the beginning: your Dartmouth Outing Club trip a fond memory for most Dartmouth students and alumni. The first tidbit I will divulge is that your DOC trip may be the dirtiest five days you ever experience, excluding all you Outward Bounders and NOLSzies. Unfortunately, filth and odor will accumulate on your body in front of impressionable peers whom you have just met and will likely see for the remainder of your college experience. So my first DO for freshman year: Bring deodorant on your DOC trip. Don't be known as the unbearably smelly kid before school even starts. B.O. is never okay, so do your best to avoid it and maximize friend-making opportunities. It is not possible to hold a conversation if no one can breathe within a four-foot radius of your reeking body.
When you return from your trip, you will begin Orientation, a prime time for making new friends. This brings me to my first DON'T: Don't be a judgmental little bitch. Shed your single-mindedness and determination to befriend only blondes, lax bros or people from your World of Warcraft forum. Refuse and you'll find yourself beside three fake friends with similarly superficial interests and a large number of people who hate you.
Dartmouth nightlife begins with Orientation, and it's only natural that you bring your hundreds of new friends along with you to each frat you visit. DO create a 'shmob. Anyone who is not a '15 will make fun of you, but who cares? 'Shmobs are fun, and you meet new people even if you don't remember their names when you wake up. Upon entering a fraternity, DON'T bring a purse, satchel or any other carrying device. A better alternative is to tattoo "FRESHMAN" on your forehead. Repeat offenders may develop a drug dealer reputation, as campus wonders what "sketchy stuff that girl is hiding in her pocketbook." Instead, pack your smartphone and your ID in the back pocket of your jeans since it will be all you need.
As you descend into a fraternity basement to a buzzing crowd of freshmen and upperclassmen alike, sexual advances might occur from both older guys and older girls. They may be subtle ("Hey, what classes are you taking? Let me know if you need course advice") or more blatant ("Hi. I'm [insert name here], want to go upstairs and, uh, see the new fraternity puppy?"). It's easy to get carried away there is so much charm concentrated on one campus that you might find yourself unable to turn a single suitor down. To each his/her own, but there is a large, glaring don't, aside from avoiding STDs: DON'T hook up with an entire sports team. This should be self-explanatory. I can almost guarantee that those teammates will not fight for your honor or affection as they shower together in the locker room. And if they do, then good job you've screwed up team dynamics. Campus is small, and 99.999 percent of the time, it won't be long before your exploits have earned you a school-wide "titute" title read: "laxtitute" or "squashtitute" (exception: "soccer slut").
Disregarding sexual predators, DO reach out to upperclassmen. Since grade school, knowing upperclassmen has always been cool. They offer great advice on classes, extracurriculars and navigating Dartmouth's quirky social scene. Unlike high school where freshmen and anyone friends with freshmen were losers, the upperclassmen at Dartmouth are excited to meet you, because like ourselves, you chose to go the best school ever. Boom, something in common. Most students here could impart wisdom for hours if you let them, so don't hesitate to introduce yourself and blitz an upperclassman for lunch.
Fast forward. School has started, and you are suddenly thrust into a strenuous new lifestyle of only two hours of class per day. You will have copious free time that you will probably want to spend meeting new people and then Facebook stalking them for hours on end. My advice: DO sign up for extracurricular activities. Whatever you're interested in ballet, finance, hanging out with little kids, medieval culture there is a corresponding club. As a matter of fact, if you come to Dartmouth and learn there is no group for your strange hobby, please contact me. I'm genuinely curious as to what other interests exist outside the millions of bizarre clubs available. DON'T get pressured into signing up for every organization, however. Typical freshman mistake: "joining" every club stationed at the activities fair because your over-ambitious friends did the same. FYI, you will get blitzes from these groups every day. As you develop real priorities other than making Facebook friends, you will find you can only fit one or two of these clubs into your schedule, meaning the 17 other blitzes from campus organizations are spam. Save your inbox and only sign up for organizations you actually like.
Now, general class advice. Everyone at Dartmouth gets it you're pretty smart. No really, we get it. But lectures are called lectures for a reason. The professor speaks for the majority of class, most questions are rhetorical, and when he opens up the floor, he expects intelligent comments. So DON'T raise your hand unless you have something interesting to say, or you have a legitimate question. An interesting comment is not summarizing the reading or speaking just to use a big word. This tends to be a freshman faux pas because in high school, most of you were the smartest, and class participation was an opportunity to spew some bull laced with impressive SAT vocabulary and call it a day, leaving your classmates to fawn over your intellectual capacity. At Dartmouth, people will call you out for stating the obvious and for using that word wrong. DO pause and reflect before you participate. If you are thoughtful and well spoken, your classmates will blink in disbelief that you are only a freshman, and your coolness factor will skyrocket. But remember to stay humble, because no one likes a cocky freshman.
A few weeks into school, you should have already familiarized yourself with pong. DO play it and get good. I understand beer may not be for everyone, but pong is above all a sport, and probably the only meaningful measure of athleticism at Dartmouth. No one cares if you were football captain or an All-American lacrosse player. Cool. Pong talent, on the other hand, is a sure way to determine someone's intrinsic worth. Afraid of beer? Tell everyone of your deathly gluten allergy and insist on champagne pong. Glutard. Afraid of alcohol? Tell everyone you're "in season" and demand water pong. Sick! Develop pong skills and earn campus-wide respect. Beware, however, because pong invites are commonly considered "dates" by both the male and female population. If you are worried that this is the case, make clear that you accepted the invitation only to sharpen your technique. I then suggest victory handshakes that consist of belly bumps or pounds not hugs.
If you follow my advice, you will be a savvy, intelligent and poised freshman but your journey is not complete yet. Your full integration into the Dartmouth community occurs at Homecoming. Until this day, you will merely be a passing novelty. "Whoaaa look at all the new 15s! There are so many!" Over Homecoming weekend, campus accepts you as permanent fixtures, and it's important to prove yourself worthy of our awesome community. This brings me to my final do: DO touch the fire. Your friends may tell you that the Dartmouth tradition of touching the annual Homecoming bonfire is merely a myth. My answer to that: Find different friends. Those wusses are unworthy of admission into the Dartmouth jungle, so ditch them before they drag you down the food chain with them. My parting advice: Someone better touch that fire, or you risk a permanent grade-wide reputation of the WORST. CLASS. EVER.
Good luck froshies! We're watching you.
