The key to a successful and effective Green Key is in the planning. Laying down a set of goals may appear bitch-made to some, but why wouldn't you want to maximize your drinking time, ensure you will achieve the level of weirdness you want and possibly be able to have some evidence of what occurred over the course of the weekend?
A Green Key itinerary is key, and because we are loyal, we are going to give you a few hints as to what might be appearing on ours for this upcoming lesser holiday to Derby.
THE MOTHERFUCKING ITINERARY:
FUCKING WEDNESDAY:10 a.m. Go to your 10. Don't be a p*ssy.Whenever the fuck 10s get out Eat a bucket of fried something.1:00 p.m. Singles tree with your most loyal friend.3:00 p.m. Gallivant.8:00 p.m. Singles tree with your most loyal slampiece.10 p.m. Play slap the bag in a common room.11 p.m. Barefoot soccer on Webster with townies looking for blow.2:08 a.m. BUCKET OF RANCH TIME go home, watch "The L Word" and beer tear about senior spring.
FUCKING THURSDAY (times unclear): Activate plan C following the prior night's events.Spend three hours at DHMC after burning yourself in the eye with a cigarette and trying to hail S&S down like a cab.Return immediately. Begin downing drinks.Find yourself waking up in a porta-potty behind Zete wrapped in a silk snuggie of unknown originz.
FUCKING FRIDAY:3:00 p.m. Hike to the fire tower (with Andre) and throw a Tri-Delt off the top.5:00 p.m. One table social with 14 people in 1902.5:15 p.m. Shower your items, smoke weed.7:00 p.m. Family Dinner @ Market Table Drink a bottle of wine and pretend that you're in the real world.7:30 p.m. Inappropriately order a lemontini to chase your 17 shots of Patron and realize you're not in the real world.8:30 p.m. Be racked and ready for Four Loko Pong at SigEp.11:00 p.m. You will probably decide to go to Klub Kollis. We're just sayin'. You probably will.12:00 a.m. Everyone does a ladle in honor of Biggie's birthday.12:15 a.m. You lost all of your friends. And you broke your phone. 1:00 a.m. Call DHMC to make a reservation: "Hi. Yes. Party of one."1:30 a.m. GUYS WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS.2:42 a.m. Something terrible happens that will be funny in a year or two.
FUCKING SATURDAY:7 a.m. Wake up cuddling with three unknown alums on the top of a pong table in the basement of Heoret. Proceed to set up double stem tree around their passed out bodies and use your Green Key whistle (Blackberry) to find yo' homesuhlices to get the mobbin' going for the day.10:30 a.m. Get clean and presentable for the world.12:00 p.m. You're really fucking woozie. We're sorry. Party harder.12:03 p.m. Buy stamps. This is a really good time for any and all activities that could possibly be more fun drunk.12:07 p.m. Realize buying stamps isn't fun. 12:15 p.m. Decide to try the AD lawn party, realize YOU HATE IT THERE. Immediately run to the porch of Fahey with a 30-rack and proceed to have a power hour to "Glee", while heckling passerbys with a megaphone.1:00 p.m. Realize you lost the one alum you were supposed to ensure didn't die, decide they are probably fine and proceed to play a game of Kings in the graveyard.1:15 p.m. Pass out in said graveyard.2:07 p.m. Go shotgun while floating on Mink Brook.4:00 p.m. Nap with at least six other people in one bed.7:00 p.m. Wake up, take some 5-Hour Energy.10:00 p.m. Things will grow very unclear.12:45 a.m. Have three people come out to you. One will try to fuck you, one is your best friend and one is straight.
Alright kids, the in between space is up to you, but do what you will.
XoXo,The Drunkest Girls
