Any good writer knows that writing a list is usually a good substitute for putting together a cohesive, naturally developing article. And if any time is a good time for a cop-out from real effort, it's Green Key. Literally ask every professor who teaches a 10A. Or a 12. Or really any professor who's dumb enough not to cancel class on Friday. So I dutifully present to you, dear old Dartmouth, a list of the five essential things you need to do during Green Key, aka the "fuck it" list:
-
Lose your virginity. I know some of y'all's brains are probably screaming at me right now: "But Kathleen! I've already lost my virginity!" First of all, why would you admit that in a print publication? Shameless. Don't you know your employers can Google you? Second of all, that doesn't matter. There are plenty of different kinds of virginities you could lose, like roof virginity or while-wearing-a-sombrero-and-fake-mustache virginity or rogue snowbank virginity ... I don't know, I'm not a sex columnist. Figure it out.
-
Go to the hospital. If you're not going to the hospital, you're not going hard enough. I'm not necessarily encouraging the old stomach pump either, because that's so unoriginal. You could be a good Samaritan who drives your underage friend to the hospital in order to thwart the iron fist of Giaccone (who narrowly defeats "alcohol poisoning" as the reigning champ of buzzkills), or you could knock out all of your teeth while crashing a stolen bike, or ask an '11 Theta Delt if he's a visiting recruit. But far and away the best way to go to the hospital is by swallowing a dozen Barbie heads and asking for an X-ray. Your college scrapbook will be incomparable.
-
The Hanover Delivery Challenge: At 4 p.m. on the Saturday of Green Key, simultaneously order from the Orient, EBAs, Gusanoz, Boloco (not really) and C&A's for good measure. Whoever gets to you first gets your business forever. Let the other deliverymen know that you "really expected more from a professional of your caliber," charge the orders to a Kappa's credit card and leave them on the curb for roaming '14s to consume.
-
Get gay-married. It's legal now! Exercise your rights. If you're actually gay, try straight marriage for a day. You can annul it later just because it's unconsummated (legally, penetration is key to a marriage's legitimacy. Cause it's sacred, duh). Also known as the Britney Spears challenge. Bonus points if you sing K-Ci and JoJo's "All My Life" to each other instead of saying marriage vows.
-
Touch the fire. No, I'm not drunk and confused. Well, I am drunk, but I know it's not Homecoming. I mean that you, personally, should start a bonfire on the Green and touch the SHIT out of it. They'll never see it coming. And by "they" I mean your vital organs.
If and when you complete the list, please blitz pictures to me at "Will Hix." Oh, and I take no legal responsibility for any of the consequences of this article, but if you feel the need to sue me, please sue me at "Will Hix."
