Well, the big weekend of big weekends has finally arrived. You ran around the bonfire in the fall. Or stood on the perimeter heckling the '14s while they ran. Or maybe you were even stupid like me, and tried to relive your freshman days by joining them as they ran. You then proceeded to ignore the blitzes in the winter to help build the Winter Carnival snow sculpture because, "F*ck it's cold outside!" Don't worry, I still say this after four years. Particularly when it decides to snow in April.
But now, it's time for Green Key. And you're ready. You couldn't be more psyKDE to wear your plastic, retro-neon sunglasses. I know I am. I've even taken to wearing my sunglasses at night, I'm so ragey. Makes writing my thesis all that much cooler. But be warned young neophytes new to the ways of day drinking, Green Key is not for amateurs.
More myth than legend, Green Key is a weekend nay, a week unlike any other. Unlike the previous "big weekends," there are no rules, no traditions to ground us. Sure, there's this group called the "Green Key Society" that gets inducted (and by inducted I mean they get a pin in return for agreeing to work Commencement or First-Year Orientation for free). But it's a bunch of juniors, and since when have we ever stopped and listened to a bunch of juniors?
Since never, that's when. Because let's be real for a second Green Key is about the three A's: Alcohol, Alums and Advil. Even if you're not a normal party-goer, I guarantee you will take part in one of the three A's for Green Key.
Alcohol. Like Moses in the desert who stumbled upon a land flowing with milk and honey, you too will soon stumble upon a campus flowing with alcohol and BBQs. At all hours of the day, no less. And you thought Pig Stick was awesome. Just wait. Do yourself a favor and take the "No DDS" challenge during Green Key. You will not starve. Instead, you will eat like a king. Welcome to C-O-L-L-E-G-E. (Like you haven't seen Animal House).
Alums. Homecoming and Winter Carnival pale in comparison. Alums who you forgot even existed will be back in your basement drinking all your beer, all too soon. And all those alums you were so happy to see graduate? They'll be back. They always come back. With posses, no less. I swear they even still dress the same. And yes, they're still just as terrible as you remember them. Only now, even more obnoxious, because they make money. Clearly, the only logical thing to do in this situation is to hook up with them and finally complete your "Dartmouth Decade." '06s, holler at your girl.
And lastly, Advil. During Green Key, the only way to cure a hangover is to drink more. But come Sunday, no one appreciates that ragey mantra anymore (unless of course you do crew and you missed out on Green Key boo hoo hoo). Advil then replaces your morning tequila shot and becomes part of the breakfast of champions, as you realize just how much work you have to do while standing in the grill line at the Hop contemplating whether you want the Breakfast Bomb or Billy Bob. Because let's face it egg whites and toast dry just aren't going to cut it today.
Green Key 11S: SorryfornotBeingSorryforPartying. How's that for a Facebook album?
