Don't read The D after you've graduated.
Chances are you don't read it now, except for the Overheards cuz you're hip like that and just don't care. Or maybe you just read it when you really have to take a number two at Collis. Maybe that's just me? Awkward. Don't care.
Anyways, what I'm trying to say is don't be "that alum." You know, the one who is super invested in following all the latest budget cut stories and reading Joe Asch's blog on the side to supplement his or her knowledge about the latest activities of the Board of Trustees, who are always cloaked in such mystique to begin with (up to no good, the nefarious blokes!) But seriously? Please get a life. Joe Asch is not an investigative journalist. He's a man with too much time on his hands.
Don't be that alum.
Instead, graduate from Dartmouth with the style and grace she gave you by letting go. I know, it's scary and sudden and nobody likes having the umbilical cord cut (except your mom). But it's got to be done. And you've got to let go. I mean who in his right mind holds onto his umbilical cord? Don't be gross.
Similarly, don't be a tool. Yes, I know you've graduated, you're older and wiser and you, like, "dooooo" stuff now. Okay great, I'll make sure to vote for you in the next presidential campaign, but in the meantime could we just cut the crap? Because I still remember seeing you when you weren't at your finest. And no, I'm not going to conduct an interview with the "National Enquirer" and expose you (though it's always been a dream of mine to also find a mermaid in my can of tuna). Can I just say I liked that version of you better? Please, no matter how many posh art galleries you visit and black tie dinners you attend, don't lose that part of you.
At the same time, update your facebook profile picture. You no longer go to Dartmouth. So I don't understand why you're in flair and your Greek insignia. Nobody likes the kid who relives his high school glory days as quarterback of the football team.
The same applies to really intense, older alums. Carefully observe the next Dartmouth alumni dinner/party/gathering you attend, and trust me you will attend one. See that alum talking loudly in the corner, gesturing lots and laughing loudly? Run. Run far away before they waste the next hour of your life telling you about the good old days when they were at Dartmouth. In your old/douchey age (whichever comes first), don't be that bore.
At the same time, don't be that weird, sketchy alum, either. You know the one who continues to hang around Hanover? The one that's lurking around Thayer/the DOC a lot? Not okay. I know New Hampshire's beautiful, but there are 49 other states. Try visiting one. Even if it's just Vermont.
Always feel like you can come home to Dartmouth, though. Because you can. In the meantime, take the road less taken. Oh the places you'll go!
Love,Dr. Frosty
