If being a senior has taught me anything, it's that graduation is like Fight Club. The first rule of graduation: Don't talk about graduation.
Therefore it should come as no surprise that I currently exist in a more or less constant state of denial. I'm the first to write snarky comments on completely unnecessary Facebook status updates like, "17.36 days left!" Shut the fuck up no one appreciates your use of social media to remind us of the day that I consider the actual Rapture (the Evangelicals always get it wrong). I also have yet to congratulate any of my friends from home for graduating. Why is being forcibly made to trade a life of free drinks and no responsibilities for one of rent checks and a shitty job market cause for celebration? Yeah, that's right it's not.
Frankly, it's a little odd to be writing this article, considering this article and indeed, this entire issue implicitly acknowledges that in a a week's time, we're effectively getting sent home from the four-year, more-awesome-than-Lake-Morey formal that is Dartmouth. And we're definitely going to have to pay for our own cabs.
But in light of this inevitable state of affairs, I have decided to go down a rather clichd road to offer what I hope will not come off as clichd advice. I have harvested these few shining pearls of wisdom from the Dartmouth oyster for these past four years and hopefully they will prove useful to you, dear readers.
1) Buy cheap shoes from Target.
I literally have no idea why it took me until senior Fall to figure this one out. Around November, I decided I wanted a pair of trendy over-the-knee boots, but was also concerned that I would immediately regret buying them, that they would transform me into a stumpy little pirate-smurf. So I decided to buy a cheap-o pair from Target so if I hated them, at least I was only out $35. I am not exaggerating when I say that this was quite possibly one of the best decisions I have ever made. The boots were cute, didn't look cheap, and here's the best part they cost $35 because they weren't made of actual leather, and could therefore be purged of frat goo with Clorox wipes. Win. Win. Win.2) Off nights are frequently more fun than on nights.
I feel like a lot of people already know this, but nevertheless it's worth repeating: Tuesdays and Thursdays offer virtually limitless potential for strange adventures. The value of off nights becomes even more apparent on big weekends when Friday and Saturday nights resemble New Year's Eve, and everyone comes out of the woodwork to boot, hook up and pass out in one gigantic cavalcade of doom usually along the Mass Row corridor, which basically becomes Bourbon Street in the aftermath of Mardi Gras by around 12:30 a.m. Yikes.3) The Sunja Dragon Roll is better than all of the sushi at Yama.
Not kidding. Get it if you don't believe me. 4) However, it's not really better than the sushi at The Orient, and definitely isn't better than the sushi at Koto.
The Hanover sushi hierarchy is thus as follows: Koto > The Orient > Sunja Dragon Roll > Yama.5) If you have access to a car, the only Dunkin' Donuts you should be going to is the drive-thru in West Leb.
The one at Circle K (ne Food Stop) takes about 17 years, and there's a rogue Dunkin' next to "Papa Wheelies," but why would you ever go to that one when there's another one less than three minutes away that allows you to order from the comfort of your own vehicle? Seriously.6) Wal-Mart will meet basically all of your flair needs if you're creative enough.
For some reason, K-Mart has better items in general. Better towels, better storage units, better alarm clocks, better lamps. I have no idea why this is the case, and was also biased against K-Mart for many years because I thought it was the crappier of the two. But weirdly enough, it's not. So stick with Wal-Mart when you want to purchase questionable garments from the Miley Cyrus line, and hit K-Mart when you need a bath mat. Also Salvation Army sometimes has amazing items, but it's usually touch and go.7) CVS is a beacon of glory for late night snackers. If you're jonesing for pizza but it's 2:15 a.m., fear not: You have an option. And that option is the CVS frozen food section. They have a veritable bevy of microwavable pizzas, and offer many other exotic foodstuffs like delicious Stouffer's mac and cheese.
Alright. That's all I got. I find it somewhat depressing that four years of Dartmouth can be distilled down into seven bullet points that basically involve food and shoes. Now I'm going to pretend that this article never happened and retreat back into my shell of denial. Forever, whatever.
Amen.
