Life has changed. Things are often weird and vague, and when you're high people make you watch "Red Planet." We are post-Gaga living in a material world, both jobless and trying to join the actual world. So here are some helpful guides to explain what are things and what are not things, because, like, that's a thing.
Things that are not a thing:
Explication: Senior Spring? Not a thing. Language requirements not a thing. Supposedly the swim test is a thing? No one told us this shit. Ever. So, here is a list of all of the shit that isn't a thing that people (ALL OF YOU, I.E. THE REGISTRAR) need to immediately stop thinking is a thing. Then we can graduate, move on, carry on, drink when the sun is out and escape our inevitable deaths by being hit by rockets.
Other non-things:
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The least of all the things: requirements of any kind. Whatever happened to a liberal arts education? Requirements are fascist and put people in boxes and really stress us out.
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Sending Chanel bags with Oscar De La Renta scarves when you order them online. Are they for drug smuggling? Or for Pepto-Bismol (best chaser ever)? Why is everyone trying to confuse us about what we do with our items? Because of this confusion, said scarf is currently being used as a napkin to mop up kale from Collis porch (so boo-zjee).
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Ultimate frisbee. Never a thing. Senior Spring, don't care.
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Your smoosh texting you, asking where the Fayers are. Oh and prospies in general.
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Gaga. Sorry. But LADY is such a thing (see item 4 in "things that are a thing" list below).
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Hanover isn't really a thing.
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52 mm Ray Bans.
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All white girl problems, including but not limited to recycling, Montana, cutting your finger on a Pellegrino bottle (the Missoni edition, naturally), the rise and fall of John Galliano (currently holds the title of Most Racist Gay see item 1 below), the lack of seitan in Hanover, cocaine addiction and being homeless.
Things that are most definitely a thing:
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Giving people titles such as Most Racist Gay and Most Frigid Bitch Addicted to Miniature Bows from CVS Made for Babies.
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Mario party. Daisy is a frigid bitch, Yoshi is precious, DK and Bowser have a threesome with Peach on the regular and Toad is God.
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Items. ITEM CARTS full of items such as item bags, item cases, item pong, ghost items, ghosts, space ghosts, your 18th, 19th and 22nd credit card replacements and ballet flats.
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LADY. Listening to LADY on your iPod and contemplating taking up a c0caine habit just so you could do lines off your monocle at orgies with your Latin prof.
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Orgies. With your friends, associates, Boloco employees and language, studio art and computer science professors.
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Working at Novack and day drinking.
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Accidentally tripping on mushrooms and crying to "Blackbird" on repeat.
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Being on a Werther's diet and losing three pounds.
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And finally, the last of all the things our replacements. We're primarily doing this in an effort to actually visualize and attack our graduation and homelessness. We seek two bubbly, small-eyed drunk individuals to replace us. Weighing more than us is a necessity, as we have no interest in turning into scorned, middle-aged women. Drunkenness is negotiable but obnoxiousness is a must. So, hit us up. Oh, and no Virgos need apply.
Xoxo,The Drunkest Gurlz
