So Charlie Sheen didn't teach you enough about winning? Pregnant, alone and standing on the roof of the church on West Wheelock with a Twisted Tea, Zoloft and a little bit of water? You fucked up. Bad. You lose.
It's all a game, it's a race, it's whatever you need it to be. Being the drunkest girl at the party is all about competition, and you need to learn the rules to play the game. We understand that the rules of winning and losing can be confusing, and since we just love writing condescending diatribes about what makes us think you're bitch-made or comparable to the inventor of Four Loko, we're gonna give you a handy guide. Think of it like Monopoly: Dartmouth Edition. Ooh, now we get to pretend we know things about finance do we get an econ credit? No no fine Registrar, obviously you still don't get it.
The rules of the game are simple, really.
- Arrive at Dartmouth. Bang every member of H-Croo while booting in Fuel (everyone gets banged in Fuel) collect a 30 rack.
- Play Capture the Watermelon instead of singles sequoia with your trip leader, drink the nine beers you were supposed to and shut the fuck up.
- Avoid getting punched in the asshole at a Heorot dance party and avoid get Good Sammed or boot on your roommate all freshmen year. Collect a handle of gin.
- Start dating your floormate and don't go out for the rest of the term. Lock yourself in Sig Ep's basement until you finish chugging a handle of Hypnotiq.
- Rush a frat. Start thinking that you're awesome and can throw beers, bump people off table and think that every girl is trying to bone you. STOP. Now. Go drink all your remaining Keystone and give me your cigarettes, pledge.
- Rush a frat. Invite your friends, run table all night, boot on previously mentioned pledge and pee on yourself to get cleaner. Here's a case of Keystone come play flip cup with us.
- Join a sorority. Beer-board anyone who says anything about being bold during rush. You'll be inactive in two years or die of diabetes from your Andre intake. Lolz. Win a couple of cases of strawberry Andre and do with them what you may.
- Drink every night of junior year and don't go to New York City for your off-term win 10 cases of Keystone for you 21st birthday party.
- Wake up sober on your 21st birthday drink five of those cases.
- Boot on an H-Po car and tell them you're 21 and bulimic win a handle of Tanqueray.
- Do corporate recruiting. Drink all of the alcohol left in your gigantic fanny pack because you are the worst and then slap yo'self with it.
- Write a thesis get addicted to Adderall. We'll call that a loss. Go play pong and eat a pizza, asshole and stop hogging all the tables with your book itemz.
- Make alums feel weak about their senior Spring collect a box of Franzia.
- Go to the gym/nap instead of participating in obligatory day drinking drink a kiddie pool's worth of bum wine and ask the pong gods for forgiveness.
- Take a 10A. Use that box of Franzia to pregame class every Thursday.
- Graduate on time. You care so you lose! Drink all the rest of your alcohol plus some during senior week. Beer tear (but not on us because that's gross), and pray that you'll be reincarnated as the first pong table in 1902.
Remember, winning isn't about quantity, it is about how you do it. JK, we play both matter! Please consult Stinson's for any confusion on the da rulez.
XOXO,The Drunkest Girls
