Sometimes my friends and I have moments of delusion during which we think it's a good idea to tell each other what our faults are. This exercise almost always ends up with people feeling secretly resentful, defensive or insecure about their scalp moles. During one of these conversations, someone once criticized me for always thinking I'm right.
I beg your pardon? If there is anyone on this earth who does not always think he or she is right, that person is stupid. Once you decide you aren't right, it is time to change your opinion. That's how thinking works. Look, I realize that I am more stubborn than is typical or acceptable outside my family of lawyers, but when I was 10 years old, my father asked me why I always fought so hard for my opinions, and my answer was that I saw no point in fighting if you weren't going to give it your all. Why step in the ring just to pull your best punches and get pummeled across the face? For the first time, my dad conceded to me in an argument, and since that day, I have continued to live by that philosophy. I don't argue with everything I disagree with, but when I do argue, I do not relent.
Over the years, I have noticed that there are many things I feel relatively certain that I am right about, even though almost no one shares my opinion. However, these dissenters have never been able to give me any good reason as to why they disagree. Therefore, I think I have grounds to carry on with my obnoxiously self-assured world view that I am, in fact, still definitely right. I felt it was only fitting during this inexplicably sleety spring season of sacrifice and atonement to take grossly unfair advantage of my privilege of a soapbox and bring you a list:
Five Things I am Definitely Right About and You are Probably Wrong About1. Pedestrians always have the right of way.
I don't care if they stand around huffing paint and singing Ke$ha songs during their walk signal and wait until the light turns green to walk in front of your car. Yes, they suck, but legally, they can do it (although singing Ke$ha songs on the street corner may or may not qualify as public indecency). Once, a friend of mine said aloud that she did not want to cross against the light "in front of that copper." The cop turned to her and said, "It's not jaywalking if it's a crosswalk." That actually happened. It's the law. Stop acting so entitled. You will get wherever you're going way faster in your car than they could ever get there walking, with a climate set to your liking, maybe even a seat warmer (oh you fancy huh?) and no worries about losing any of your hard-earned calories. I feel so strongly about this that I almost named my column "Welcome to the crosswalk, I'm in it."
- Kanye was right.
Clearly, I believe this in all contexts, but I am only definitely right in the context of the whole Taylor Swift debacle. Let's recap the reasoning behind why he was so universally panned as a douchebag: 1) It was just the MTV VMAs, no reason for Kanye to get all high and mighty. 2) Poor Taylor Swift. This young girl's first important moment as an artist was just ruined on live television! Okay, listen. To the first point, I say, yeah, it was just the VMAs. But the subject at hand was also JUST the "Best Female Music Video of the Year" at the VMAs. If the awards ceremony didn't matter that much, neither does interrupting it. It's not as if he jumped on stage at a State of the Union Address to voice his opinion, because Kanye's opinion doesn't matter when it comes to actual political issues. If Kanye's opinion EVER matters, it matters in this context. And he was right! Have you seen Taylor's stupid video? It's like a shoddy mash-up montage of every high school teen movie ever made, whereas Beyonce's video has still yet to be topped. To the second point, I say, see point 1. Also, what? The chick is one of the richest, most famous teenagers in the world. She wasn't a defenseless infant. In fact, the girl was ALMOST 20. The fact that we treat the incident like a child being robbed of a lollipop at gunpoint just shows how racialized the whole incident really is. If Madonna publicly shamed Soulja Boy for his terrible music, I don't think people would be rushing to defend his innocent young honor. At least Kanye said he was proud of her.
- Jennifer Hudson did not deserve that Oscar.
Just Google who she was up against. If you've ever seen Babel, you know that I'm right. Best singer with the best sob story does NOT equate to best actress.
- Harry Potter is overrated at best.
I could write four columns on this subject alone, but I'll try to keep it reasonably brief. While I acknowledge that Harry Potter is a remarkably impressive series of children's books, it is still just a series of children's books. The intricacy of the plot lines is also notable, but the writing itself is mediocre, and the protagonist is downright unlikable. He takes himself way too seriously, spends a lot of time feeling sorry for himself, has no sense of humor and repeatedly expresses his hesitation to be a hero even though it is obvious that he will win every time. Also, how about some new bad guys, J.K.? It gets a little predictable after awhile. Having the mistaken impression that Harry Potter is the pinnacle of heroism is kind of like being five and thinking your dad is the strongest man in the world because he once begrudgingly killed a bat with a broom. Thinking it is the pinnacle of literature is just pathetic, and you don't deserve to go to this school.
- Piercings of any kind are bizarre and unnatural.
Why would you stab holes through your skin, stick decorative (and often infectious) metals through it and let them hang there all day long, day after day, pulling on and distorting your skin? I'm just saying, if you're a girl with earrings, I don't ever want to hear you talk about how creepy it is when frat guys brand themselves with their fraternity name. Body alteration is body alteration, and it is always painful and unnecessary. At least they have some semblance of a premise under which they cause themselves undue pain suffering is the basis for bonding and all that. You just think bracelets and necklaces aren't enough to make you pretty.
If at any point while reading my column, you disagreed with me, I would just like to remind you that you are wrong.
