Franklin Delano Roosevelt famously said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." False. And stupid. There are plenty of things to fear snakes (on or around planes), clowns, animals dressed as humans, '15s the world's a scary place. However, the one thing I never expected to fear were words. I'm referring to seven discrete words used in a given sequence, specifically
"So, what are you doing next year?"
Anddddd we've broken out in hives. Why must people ask this of us (soon to be) poor, unsuspecting, unemployed, innocent seniors? I get that you think you're being polite, and that showing interest in another person is generally a good way to make friends, but you just became my nemesis. Because, you see, I don't know what I'm doing next year. And I'm fine with it until you remind me of my uncertain fate, followed by a look of pity and the reply, "Aw, well you'll find something."
Yes, indeed, I find that you are evil. And now I cannot rest until I end you. That goes for you too, Grandpa.
With sweet revenge as my long-term goal, I still need to find a short-term plan for dealing with this terrifying moment. Obviously honesty is out of the question here, so I've concocted some useful alternatives for how to respond to this seven-word highway to hell:
- Go spontaneously deaf
This strategy may take a little acting, but it is extremely effective. You begin with innocence ("I'm sorry, what did you say?"), proceed to panic ("Your lips are moving but I can't hear what you're saying!") and then frantically point to your ears while tears stream down your face ("I've gone deaf! I've gone deaf!") Your companion is now permanently scarred and will never ask you a question again. Win.2. Become a borderline schizophrenic
Hear no one across the room call your name. Answer your silent phone. Attend immediately to your imaginary friend. The voices in your head would never ask you such a question.3. Say you're going to Africa
Doesn't matter if it's to intern in the blood diamond trade. Besides, no one cares what specific country you'll be in. (Africa's not its own country?!) That future i-banker now feels so bad about himself that he'll change the subject immediately. (How does it feel to be Mother Teresa-ed, bitch?)4. Revert to third grade by answering:
"What are you doing next year?"
"I asked you first."
"I asked you first."
"Why are you repeating what I'm saying?"
"Why are you repeating what I'm saying?"
"Are you medicated?"
"Are you medicated?"
"We're breaking up."
Boom. Works every time.5. Join 'em
Swift and elegant: "I'm working in consulting." Because you can't beat 'em.6. Get really real
"You see, I was hoping to teach at an inner city school in Chicago but my mother gambled away my life savings and someone has to pay parole for my brother so I'll be working at an extremely tasteful gentleman's club in Times Square. Well, after I have the baby, of course." As long as that professor doesn't watch Lifetime, you're all set.7. Listen to Kanye
And run away as fast as you can.8. Get weird
Respond that you're fielding offers in one of the following careers: Taxidermy and/or mortuary work, telemarketing, dog whispering, adult video store security, Carney Union organizing or accounting.9. Share your dreams
"I plan on living at home, spending my parents' money, continuing to feed my Dartmouth-bred alcohol addiction and getting high for the majority of my waking hours. For as long as possible." Yeah, you're welcome, Dad.10. Be an asshole
"What are any of us doing really? I just wanna live, man."11. Punch them in the face
Well-deserved.
Now, my little lost souls, I hope you feel better-prepared to face that harsh, cruel, questioning world. Now is the time to be brave. And if that bravery loses us a couple relationships, so be it. They started it.Clearly they don't understand us and our super-cool-and-spontaneous life plan. Yeah, I know what I'll be doing next year being awesome. In fact, that's a 10-year plan. Who's the slacker now?
