Once upon a time, I was an athlete. Swear it. My nickname on my soccer team was "crusher" and I was a ruthless, blood-thirsty machine. Opposing teams would tremble when I walked onto the field. My teammates would bow down in my presence, knowing that I was the almighty force that would bring them victory time and time again. I was their shin-guarded savior, a goddess among mortals.
And then I turned 12. All of a sudden, I acquired empathy. I found myself thinking, "Well, how does she feel when I trip her in front of her friends and family? Does it hurt her that I laugh? Is kicking dirt on her nosebleed insensitive?" For the first time, I realized that one should (apparently) care for the welfare of their fellow human beings. I became okay with losing games. I didn't spit on my hand before shaking my opponent's. I, for lack of a word I can't use in The Mirror, became a huge wuss.
I ended up quitting soccer because my old black heart of darkness had gone missing, replaced most unfortunately by some girly shit I hadn't signed up for.
Luckily, it seems my evil had not been extinguished but had merely been molded to fit a very different venue: games, mainly of the board and party variety. Monopoly, Connect Four, Candyland, Pictionary you will fear these words by sundown. Yeah, you laugh now, but I'm dead serious about this. If you just want to "have fun," then you do not want to play a game with me. Because when I hear the words "game night," fire begins to run through my veins, the Beastie Boys' "Sabotage" starts blaring in my head and suddenly everyone can smell what The Rock is cookin'.
Now, while I am truly a miserable opponent in everything from Apples to Apples to Zelda, I do have varying shades of malice. So, unless you're looking for an excuse to end our friendship, here are the particular games you'd do best to avoid playing with me:
Charades
Literally, stop saying "it." We figured out the little word is "the." Are you actively trying to make us lose? Or are you blind? Because I am very clearly acting out a tadpole and your lack of respect for my skills is inexcusable. If you cannot read my mind, I can never forgive you. So either grow a sixth sense or grow a pair, because you're utterly useless and I can't stand your face.
Sorry!
I will simply never apologize for your inferiority. I won't even say the title of this game in your presence. If you feel you must follow the rules, that's fine. I will accept penance for your childish need to be coddled. You don't like me, anymore? Whoops. I'm so ____!
Musical Chairs
Basically I've called "fives" on all of these chairs and you're simply being rude by trying to take them from me. I can't be a friend to someone so intolerant. When the music stops, so will your will to live.
Life
I've been told the appeal of this game is imagining you're building a life for yourself and so you want to go to college, and you want a nice house and you want to get married and live happily ever after. The person who told me this lost because she failed to acknowledge the divide between fiction and reality. See, theoretically, your mansion is nicer than my double-wide. But actually, I just obliterated you by spending less fake money on fake things. This is the sort of strategy that makes me win real life, ya damn daydreamer.
Guess Who?
"Is it a girl?"
"Yes."
"Is she blonde?"
"Yes."
"Is she wearing a hat?"
"Yes."
Am I choosing to share the opposite of the truth with you?
Yes.
Guess who? Your worst nightmare.
Pretty, Pretty Princess
So here's the dilemma: I'm the prettiest prettiest princess in this room, and you're trying to claim that this fact is up for debate. But, like, this crown doesn't even fit your commoner-ass head. So, that's an automatic forfeit. Long live the monarchy.
Alright, I'm just gonna stop there. I don't want to scare you away. I'm really not all bad. In real life, I'm actually quite a friendly person. And if you challenge me in an actual sport, I'll probably treat you like a baby Labradoodle I just want to see happy. And if you invite me to a "game night," I'll RSVP with an excited emoticon. ;-p !!!! And you'll have happy thoughts.
But then, naturally, I must end you.
