Reader? Hey. How was your week? The best ever? False. Why? Because the Oscars are over and thus awards season draws to a close. Therefore, I imagine your week was a dark spiral of despair that no panini or cancelled class could fix. You must have been diagnosed with a mild form of post-(Vanity Fair) part(y)um depression by now. No? These words literally mean nothing to you? Well, scram we don't need your kind here. Because unless you've been trapped under something very heavy for 128 hours, you have no excuse for missing the Oscars. You are dead to me.
No, wait. I'm sorry. I should try to see your side of things (giving my white swan the mic real quick). Maybe you have an excuse. Maybe there was a family emergency. Maybe you had to do homework on a Sunday night. Maybe you value family and academics because you have tragically skewed priorities. I'm not omniscient (#breakingnews). But I do know that somewhere, deep down, in a place only Freud and Osmosis Jones can reach, you secretly yearned to watch the 83rd Annual Academy Awards. So what stopped you? Well, let's look at some plausible alibis, shall we? (I like to put a question mark so you think you have some say. But surprise! It's all rhetorical!)
Most Likely Reasons Why You Didn't Watch the Oscars:
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Celebrities don't matter to you. Well, celebrities are people. Transitive property: People don't matter to you. That's terribly selfish.
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You think the question, "Who are you wearing?" constitutes improper pronoun use. (I see you, Microsoft Word. That green underline is insulting.)
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You have some sort of problem with Tim Gunn. Or you don't know who Tim Gunn is. Hence, you have no soul. Or you don't know what a beautiful soul looks like. (Advantage goes to Jesse McCartney.)
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You thought the Academy Awards sounded boring. I think you sound boring.
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You can't look at Helena Bonham Carter without feeling your blood curdle because she makes you want to cry. And you regret writing about her because now you're afraid she'll find you. And now everyone's crying.
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You find something wrong with sitting around talking about who looks fat and who's in the closet. You therefore fail to see the difference between unfair judgment and accurate assessment. Unequivocally, Gwyneth Paltrow looks like a robot.
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You don't appreciate montages. Now you're just making things up. Everyone loves a montage. In fact, if you play music and read this list quickly, it's just like one. See? Now you're having the best time.
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You were watching the Knicks-Heat game. Or you were playing in the Knicks-Heat game. Either way, I forgive you. (Except you, LeBron. Never ever.)
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You're ugly. On the inside. (But probably on the outside too.)
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You have no empathy. Do you know how scary it is up there for James Franco and Anne Hathaway to host the Oscars at such a young age? Simply terrifying.
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You are uncomfortable with breaking gender stereotypes. (Sup, bro?)
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You are uncomfortable with maintaining gender stereotypes. (Sup, me?)
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You don't care about old people.
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You don't care about pregnant people.
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You don't care about high people. (It's okay, Franco. You were nervous.)
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You haven't spent your entire life dreaming of having your own montage. Set to an original score.
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You have no sense of hope. If you did, you'd wait to be thanked. I'm pretty sure I was thanked.
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You refuse to accept anything on someone's behalf. Again, selfish.
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You were spending time with your "real friends." They're not real friends if they say they'd rather be with you than famous people. Because they'd be lying and that's not what friends do.
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You are a terrorist.
So in sum, if you didn't watch the Oscars, there's something fundamentally wrong with you. Some people might think you're a little "off," while others may say you have "character." I think you're awful. I can say this because I don't think you're reading anymore. To everyone still with me, however, you win my heart. And yes, I know, it was an honor just to be nominated.
