Growing up I never felt pressured by my parents to excel in school or athletics as is the case for many Dartmouth students, my sense of discipline was self-imposed. Nevertheless, this determination came at a price. My parents, whether they were finding elementary-school-aged Lauren reading under her covers at 3 a.m. or watching high school Lauren juggle two year-round sports with classes and sleep deprivation, worried that I was making myself unhappy. I learned from a young age to hide negative thoughts behind a mask of pleasantry in order to keep my parents from hovering.
Coming to Dartmouth enhanced my tendency to bottle up my emotions and repackage them in a more attractive form. DOC trips introduced me to the concept of the ideal Dartmouth student continually energetic despite running on very little sleep, aggressively enthusiastic about Dartmouth and constantly decked out in flair. Back on campus, students seemed unnervingly accomplished at embodying this mystique despite balancing challenging courseloads, sports and activities.
Last year, I was presented with a surprising visual of the disparity between how others see me and how I see myself. At an equestrian team meeting, we all taped sheets of paper to our backs and each wrote one thing about our teammates on their papers. At the end of the exercise, I was shocked to see so many words like "hilarious," "outgoing" and "optimistic" used to describe me, when I would have much sooner picked "overwhelmed," "jaded" or "sad."
A few weeks ago, I read an article on The Dartmouth's blog about a study conducted by a current Tuck student and recent Stanford Ph.D. graduate, Alexander Jordan, that systematically measured how individuals perceive the emotions of others ("Warning: Friends May Be Less Happy Than They Appear," Jan. 18). The study found that individuals tend to underestimate the negative emotions and overestimate the positive emotions of their peers. Jordan also concluded that social networking sites such as Facebook exacerbate this effect. It follows that a campus culture emphasizing concepts like "facetime" and "self-calls" would also contribute significantly to these misperceptions.
Jordan noted in an e-mail to The Dartmouth that "Simply being aware of our biases in perceiving others' emotional lives might be helpful in correcting those biases." As embarrassing as it is to admit, it only recently occurred to me that my frustration with the Dartmouth "scene" is perfectly normal and acceptable. Venturing into a dirty basement to rub up against sweaty, belligerent underclassmen packed together like sardines would hardly be considered an attractive evening pastime in the "real" world, and yet we continue to do it with smiles on our faces. It's helpful to remember that your peers may be just as baffled by your cheery expression as you are by theirs. It can be even more helpful to realize that you don't always have to "fake it till you make it." This is why we old hags (read: '11 girls) are often content to avoid dance parties.
Over the years, I have come to understand that the Dartmouth ideal that used to mystify me is a faade. Surviving at Dartmouth is sort of like treading water everything looks calm on the surface but underneath students are kicking with all their might just to stay afloat. The danger lies in our inability to see the full picture and our tendency to internalize negative feelings as somehow unacceptable. Social interactions become increasingly contrived, which can make Dartmouth an unhappy place behind its cheery exterior.
Managing stress is a lot easier once you accept that it is okay to not be okay. This can be a difficult concept to swallow, especially when it seems like everyone else is doing awesome. But the truth is that they probably feel just as lost as you do, and you are just as good at hiding it as they are. You don't have to proclaim your grievances in the Theta Delt basement or your Astro 3 classroom. But be real with your close friends or at the very least with yourself.
