Dartmouth loves Dartmouth loves this, Dartmouth loves that, Dartmouth loves bitches and Dartmouth loves frats. Oh, wait. Rhyming is awful.
Today we'd like to discuss Dartmouth's intense and overwhelming affection for the Internet (it's like space but more meta no PoMo). More specifically, we would like to discuss Dartmouth's amorous relationship with sites like Bored@Baker (which are basically revamped versions of Livejournal and Xanga but with fewer tears and more WWII discussions) and are-they-elitist-or-are-they-not listservs (kind of like Facebook before they let old and ugly people on it).
Let it be said, the most important thing about both love and the great big Interwebs is that both are fake as fuck. Sidenote: Facebook relationships are not meant to be taken seriously, nor are tweets such as: "I LOVE my baby boi so much! ;) You're getting a surprise tonight! How naughty! #stupidwhoreproblems" Oh, crap, we lost our point again.
In the spirit of affection and adoration, and the fact that we effing hate this upcoming holiday (see Drunkest Girls at the Party V-day 2010), we're gonna paint you a nice little portrait of each of these Internet operations. But we'll refer to each anonymously, of course, like the 57-year-old man named "Candy" that Beta has been flirting with online.
1) My Blog: What do I bring to the table? My name is James Cohen, and I just want to let you in on some juicy news. A prospective '15 polar bear named Shamu stormed the BG basement this weekend to finish a brawl with some '14s who made the obvious mistake of holding table without a brother or dignity. The polar bear was not available for comment but his older brother in real life (who is also a brother in BG) said, "It just ain't right. No one but brothers should be anywhere, like, ever." Oh, and I write for The Mirror.
Looking for: An ironic form of pseudo-not-too-real facetime as I try to imitate the work of J. D. Salinger.
2) Hello. My name is Platonic Sally. These are my friends Pikachu, Aunt Theodore, James Madison XIV, Gingerlake and God. Let's discuss, for a moment, the moon. Or an angry lesbian. Or something about babiezz or Harry Enten's weather reports. Oh, and we'll recite a poem, and then give you a Vacuum O' the Day, and a Hipster O' the Day, and a reason why everyone who is anyone loves Bomb Tails O' the Day. Then let us make fun of our friends, but only so everyone knows we're friends. Wink. Jangle. Because, you know, we're friends.
Looking for: Someone that could invite me to a semi this term I always have great costume ideas. The theme sounds kind of lame this term. Whatever, let's all drink a bucket of tequila and dress up like the evil stepsisters.
3) Type your message here: Hi. I'm a troll. I'll say it right now. Yea, the other ones were anonymous, but I'm just a dirty troll. I had a Xanga in high school, and I kept my Myspace for way too long. I like some shit, but I hate most shit. I'm a bro, I think you're super gay and I saw you cut the line at the Hop freshman year. (All of these things are completely normal and I will absolutely die alone.) As you all know, I live in the periodicals and am literally the worst (see reality). But let me say something for real: I'm really insecure. And I have a really unhealthy obsession with troll food aka all ziplocked candy sold at Novack.
Looking for: Linda Gridley or a closeted homosexual panda robot. It's a thing? No, it's not. Imma go stab myself in the ear wit mah collection of toenails now.
4) OMG LOL HAHA SORORITIES AND DJS AND #### #PROBLEMS #SENIORGIRLS #I AM AWFUL #listentomyanecdotes? #please? #iwishiwasntpregnant #makethisshitendnow. #period.enditnow.seriously.
5) Hi, I am everyone. Including your mom. And I can see that you smoked a cigarette at your senior prom and think we should talk. <3 Mom. Oh and even though I'm on this site and using this original venue to say shit about my feelings I'm still going to say #whythehellarehashtagsSUCHathing. @Most Awful Person Ever.
Have fun picking from all the awesome people we have to offer in cyberland of Dartmouth College.
Xoxo,The drunkest gurlz
