Maybe we are being irrational or just downright paranoid, but we have always been petrified of the snow sculpture ... more so now after watching that one sculpture collapse in front of us (rest in peace, DOC house ... nawt). You may think that we are just complaining for the sake of complaining ... maybe a little. Don't get us wrong, we like Winter Carnival. What's more fun than being deathly drunk and running around coatless in the "ass-clenching" cold? Ass-clenching being the only description worthy after those three days of sub-zero degree weather. Yeah, we aren't original, if we could insert a screen capture of the weather forecast we would, and then we would fit in with all the other angsty Facebook status updates. Okay sorry, back to why we actually fear the snow sculpture and are thus in a fight ... until it apologizes and promises copious amounts of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!" spray and buttermilk biscuits.
Reason 1: Anything made out of snow is untrustworthy, just look at Frosty the Snowman as an example. He is a horrible friend, he comes and goes. I'd go as far as to say that Frosty is flakey. Lawlz. Flakey like snowflakes. Okay but back to the untrustworthiness that is anything made of snow. Snow comes and goes not an admirable quality. When I was five, I put a snowball in the freezer, and guess what, by the time spring came, it wasn't there. It packed up its snow items and bounced, leaving one heartbroken five-year-old. On second thought, I may be confusing my own heartbreak regarding snow with that one episode of "Arthur" where DW thinks someone has snatched her snowflake. Either way, both DW and I walked away from that ordeal bitter and cold-hearted because, once again, snow tricked us into thinking it was reliable. And if a tiny little snowball is that unreliable, imagine how unreliable a massive snow sculpture would be. I can only imagine how many hearts have been broken over the years by some 90 snow sculptures that have graced the Green.
Reason 2: We are athletes and the threat that we may be running past the sculpture on our way to do our athlete thingz and get crushed by a wall of snow is frightening. What would Relaxation and Mediation or Intermediate Ice Skating do without us? The snow sculpture is basically just a prettier version of a snowbank, and as we have discussed before, snowbanks are at the very top of the scariest things about wintering in Hanover. You can't avoid them, they are everywhere and they are trying to snatch you up. The snow sculpture is no different, we might even say it is worse ... it tricks you into thinking that it is all friendly and not trying to trap you in a snowy grave ... wrong wrong wrong. A snow sculpture is basically the snow equivalent of a Venus fly trap just waiting for the chance to snatch you up into its snow bowels.
Reason 3: We have never been able to successfully climb and mount the snow sculpture, not even the little baby submarine one. Every time we end up either falling or getting stuck halfway up. Also, along those same lines, the snow sculpture can be a hot bed for immoral activity. We, being two prudes, frown upon public sex. Yeah we remember all the hubbub around the failed DOC cabin sculpture, where you would be able to walk into it ... lawlz jk we play ... you get yo touches ... even if it is in or around a snow monster.
Actually, we don't hate the snow sculpture, we are just jealous because we have a hard time making a functional snowman ... want to teach us? We really want to learn. Maybe teach us over Carnival. You bring the skill, we bring the spiked hot cocoa, yeah? Sounds good, see you there.
XOXO Happy Winter Carnival ya'll,da drunkest girls
