Graduation looming on the horizon makes a girl think about her values. If you haven't noticed that yet, please ruminate on that last sentence and try to mentally estimate how many times you've read that sappy shit almost word-for-word before. Yeah, funny how lived experience makes us think we're all philosophers even though no one no one likes listening to trite advice from their supposed elders. But you should know something about me: when I was a little girl, I would make up stories and tell them to people, and those stories never had endings. Ever. My family members would have to walk away while I continued talking. That's kind of how I conceive of this column, in case the title wasn't disclaimer enough.
As I face the reality of leaving Dartmouth, I've begun to more deeply appreciate certain traditions at this hardheaded little alcohol-dependent school of ours. Pong. Screaming at freshmen as they run around the bonfire. The pungent scent of urine in AD. Small talk about class schedules. Eating only Collis sushi for two weeks straight (maybe this is just my own tradition?). But there's one tradition that just seems stupider every time I think about it. A tradition that almost convinces me that we've all been Punk'd (copyright Ashton Kutcher aka Bruce Willis the Lesser): The Dartmouth Seven.
Who came up with this? Can anyone tell me? How long has it been around? What is it about these seven places that supposedly makes them the most intriguing or difficult or hallmark places to have sex? And why are they mostly outdoors when we live in a frigid winterland? I have a sneaking suspicion that this tradition was first started by Hanover High students or freshmen still on that post high school honeymoon that just feels like an extended weekend with your parents out of town.
IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. You finally move out of your parents' house and can have sex whenever you want, in your own warm bed if you'd like, but instead you choose to attempt an uncomfortable quickie in an innocent family's front yard while simultaneously looking out for S&S and HPo and wondering if semen freezes.
Just, why? Is it because it's thrilling to have public sex but too difficult to come up with your own places to go? Is it the challenge of it all? Because it would also be a challenge to take a shit in all of those places, but you don't see anyone sacrificing their dignity to take that one on. Is it the feeling of being connected to a larger tradition? Yeah, because you're really going to bring up that mutual experience in a job interview or in passing on the subway with some old dude in a Dartmouth hat who strikes up conversation. Imagine how ridiculous and pathetic it would be if all American adults were clued into some universal challenge of this caliber. No, don't, because I did it for you:
The Seven Places to Have Public Sex if You're Anyone Who's Anyone:
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The post office. Honestly, I don't think anyone would even stop you, because (true story) I was once at the 03755 hub and the teenage girl in front of me was clearly on hard drugs, laying her head down on the counter and desperately asking for stamps while drooling and talking about how hot she was. The woman sold her stamps and, after thoughtfully asking her if she was driving, sent her on her way. I have a feeling she'd simply frown a little bit and make sure it was consensual before going about her business.
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On a tandem bicycle. MUST BE TANDEM.
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On the front lawn of the White House. I bet you won't.
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Onstage at a concert. This one's a no-brainer, and if you're like me, Ludacris hatched this idea in your head at age 11. As a bonus, you'd probably get some substantial YouTube hits if your partner is moderately famous, but you also might get some substantial diseases.
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In the back of a cab or on some form of public transportation. This one's just rude, honestly, but so is doing it in the stacks. I don't want to kneel in your stale ass sweat while trying to finish my research paper that has demanded two all-nighters in a row.
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In a bedroom display at Rooms To Go.If you don't live near a New Jersey strip mall, a bathroom display at Home Depot will do. This one at least gives you a little bit of plausible deniability if you get caught. "Are you also telling me I shouldn't test drive a car before I buy it?"
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In a McDonald's playpen.I know you've probably thought about it. This is the most unsanitary thing you could do short of fraternity pledge term, but think about the street cred. I actually mean the monetary value of the coupons you could retrieve from the bottom of the ball pit. Priceless, kind of!
It comforts me to know that I can continue treating all aspects of my life like a game once I graduate. Perhaps you will judge me for making this list, but just wait until this thing goes viral. It'll be like the next Facebook. Or at least the next Farmville. Mark my words.
