So, I decided that I would write something relevant for once and address this week's theme in my column. ARE YOU OVERWHELMED BY EXCITEMENT?! Duh. Who doesn't love majors?! Me. Right. I hate majors. I realize that's a very bizarre category to harbor animosity towards, but a liberal arts curriculum will get ya that way. As much as I love Dartmouth (or at least every term but the Winter), the school has taught me very little that is translatable to real life. Yeah, okay, I can recite a Baudelaire poem in French (kickin' it highbrow right quick), but to learn the really important things I have to turn to outside sources and, like, the newspaper is REALLY BIG. Have you held it? Super heavy. I simply don't understand why I can't get course credit for watching "I Love the 80s." Seriously, that show has taught me everything I know about the 80s and how to love it. And if VH1 presented "I Love the Hapsburgs," I'd probably feel the same way.
Dartmouth just needs to stop being so conventional. Think outside the box, registrar. I know you want to. I've seen your banner about dragons. You could be so much more. Here, let me help you get started. Some ideas for the new majors Dartmouth should offer:
The Mechanics of Social Functioning
You go here so you're probably smart. You're also probably socially inept, having locked yourself away on Friday nights to study for the SATs. Let us help. By majoring in MSF, you'll learn both the subtle and GLARINGLY OBVIOUS requirements for winning invitations to post-10A lunches, study groups and various activities that involve getting along with other Homo sapiens. Honors students will attend at least one formal before graduation. Classes include:
Of "K"s and "Kk"s : Economizing Emoticons in the Wide World of Text Messaging
Leave the Weather Out of This: Small Talk for Small Minds
Magic Tricks: Remaining Weird Without Being Ostracized
Douch Intellectualism
As a graduate of the Ivy League, it is imperative that all the money you've spent on education is not merely frittered away. Your class ring is not prominent enough to show just how smart your degree says you are. As a DI major, you will leave Dartmouth with a profound understanding of how to BS your way to public perceptions of a higher IQ. Classes include:
Deconstructing Relative Postmodern Normativity: Using These Words in Conversation
Check. Mate.: How to Find a Hot Professor Spouse Simply by Winning Chess, Scrabble and Parcheesi
Suck It, Will Shortz: Entirely Irrelevant Facts Elementary to Solving The New York Times Crossword Puzzle
"That Was Simply Divine!": How to Sleep Through Operas with Your Eyes Open
Art History
The Real World
While receiving a world-class education here at Dartmouth, every other major teaches you little to nothing about how to be a functioning member of society outside of Hanover. Well, prepare to enter the minority of your graduating class who will actually be deemed "fit parents" by future juries. Classes include:
Home Ec.: It's Not Sexist You Need to Know How to Launder
Casual Drinking: What is Wrong with You and Why Are You Under the Dining Room Table
How To Fix Things
Applied Math: Splitting Dinner Checks, Paying Bills and Something Called "Taxes"
Facts: You Don't Actually Seem To Be Smarter Than a Fifth Grader
Current Events
"The Real World": Survival According to Seven People Picked To Live in a House and Have Their Lives Taped
The Internet
With the rise in social media and the decline of physical intimacy, all you really need to know is how to dominate the blogosphere to succeed in life. Let us show you how. Classes include:
The Next Mark Zuckerberg: It Can Be You (Please?! Harvard Won't Shut Up.)
Becoming a YouTube Sensation: Honing Your Talent, Lack of Filter, God-Given Ugliness or All of the Above
Flash Mobs: The Pathway to Happiness
Creative Writing With a 140-Character Limit
Celebrities
Your lives really aren't that interesting. We get that. You know why that is? Because you're neither famous nor attractive. But Zac Efron is both. Thus, we offer you a major dealing with the only current events that people really want to talk about. Classes include:
It's Britney, Bitch: The Psychology of Celebrity Breakdowns
Scientology and Kaballah: Religions That Make You Popular
"Celebrities, They're Just Like US!": Analysis of the "Celebrities, They're Just like US!" Page of US Weekly.
Titans of Industry: The Evolution of Gaga and The Past, Present and Future of the Biebs
Oh, I'm just getting dizzy with intellectual curiosity. YOU HAVE TO IMPLEMENT THESE, DARTMOUTH. If you don't, I'll drop out. And where I go, I'm pretty sure everyone follows. This ain't a bluff it's an ultimatum. Well, almost. It's kind of a three-way ultimatum (Celebrities have three-ways too. THEY'RE JUST LIKE US.): ignore my suggestions and keep your previous course offerings if and only if all classes shall be heretofore narrated by Morgan Freeman and/or taught in the format of Schoolhouse Rock. The choice is yours.
