The Drunkest Girls Write an Anonymous Note
To the Mirror "sweetheart":
The first night at AD when you left crying, Dartmouth made out with two girls and was grinding with multiple fat women. When you left crying at Chi Gam, Dartmouth was holding hands and dancing with some girl and took down her number. Multiple people in BG know, therefore you should know the truth. This could get ugly, shall we get more specific.
The truth is, despite the Keystone-induced haze of Tuesday afternoon rage, Dartmouth is sometimes an atrociously bad boyfriend. Everyone screws up sometimes. I guess The Mirror is requesting that we all just get it out there, say what we want out of the Big Green man and see what happens. Shall we tell you more? Well fine, but only if this ends in a really intense fight afterwards in which we get to scream shit about "family," "get chya ass kicked" and finally "I'M STILL PRETTY."
- Dartmouth's Topside is, well, fucked. The new Bottomside does not sell anything you really want. Namely, cigarettes, Keystone, pong balls, photos of Seth Rogen and Tanqueray. We know that NH state law dictates that only state-run liquor stores can sell alcohol, but if you're going to set it up to look like an underground speakeasy for awful people, spice it up. Or, oh friend Dartmouth, perhaps we should get a liquor store somewhere in Hanover. We have not one but two stores to buy phormal dresses you will inevitably vomit on, two dry cleaners that are never open to clean said vomit and a Talbot's. Come on, guys. Topside should subsequently be open later. In the mornings it should exclusively serve Advil, cough drops and soap.
- We have all broken ribs on frat staircases. The myth of elevators coming to every building is absurd and not to get too real, the lack of elevators is really, truly messed up. No one enjoys sliding down onto the dancefloor of TDX and landing in the arms of whatshername that you accidently woke up with last night.
- The tops of soda cups at food establishments have gotten too tight. This sounds persnickety and whatnot but dudes, try and get your straw in there. This is not a phallic reference or joke we are trying to make, we are incredibly serious. Why is the College trying to slowdown our giant diet coke (with rum) intake? It's awful. I hate you, Dartmouth.
- We should have golden-plated ponies adorning the Green.
- There aren't enough DDS meals currently being served with gravy. Every morning we don't necessarily need, but want the OPTION to get a bowl of gravy and some form of edible dipping instrument, (a wing, a fry, a finger). Makes me upset. Somewhat related: FoCo should serve EBAs ranch after 9:00 p.m.. And before, whatever.
- Lastly, Dartmouth has been letting people play Frisbee on the Green. Where do you come from? What are you doing? Why aren't you in class? Why aren't you doing work? Why aren't you drunker? Why aren't you cold? Are you really hungover? How are you moving? Where are your shoes? And finally what and we mean WHAT is wrong with you? Period.
Oh Mirror, you are our friend. And you asked. Sorry to tell you all the wrongs he has been doing being your back. Feel free to take it out irrationally on us and possibly sleep with an Alpha Chi.
Love,Snooki and JWoww (anonymously)
