There are few words in the English language that elicit a more violent personal reaction from me than "networking." I find the word itself to be annoyingly cutesy one of those dumb corporate buzzwords like "synergize" or "matrix" which everyone loves to throw around but which ultimately lack real meaning and consider the process to be pointless, terrifying and depraved.
Perhaps I'm biased by my deep fear of seeking out relative strangers for professional help. And maybe I'm also skeptical about the outcome of any conversation that takes place between two unacquainted people, where you're laughing about the many, many things you have in common ("Oh, wow! I love decoupage and Glenn Beck too! You went to the University of Iowa? This Facebook friend of mine that I met at a swimming camp in 2001 goes there!") but where the underlying goal is opportunistic and completely transparent: to use each other for personal gain.
Equally appalling are the many "how to network" websites and articles out there in the world boasting new and effective strategies for "maximizing your sociability." First of all, what does that even mean? Being a great conversationalist? Being a nice person? Not being awkward? It's not clear. Second of all, the "new and effective strategies" tend to be the kinds of things that you'd probably do under normal circumstances if you were having a real-life, non-networking conversation with someone and were actually interested in what they had to say. Make eye contact! Ask thoughtful questions! Be a good listener! Earth-shattering stuff, this networking game.
Be it sheer terror or sheer distaste; either way, I can't help but wonder why anyone would be compelled to help me further my career after exchanging a few conversation points about background and interests no matter how many thoughtful questions I ask and how much intense eye contact I manage to get in. Unless we have something tangible in common Dartmouth, Greek house affiliation, a mutual friend or a blithe hope for the upcoming Redskins season why, oh why, would anyone care?
Here's my understanding of how it all tends to go down (contrary to what the scary relationship-builders who comprise the pro-networking contingent will tell you). You're at a function. It's probably loud as shit and you're probably dressed in something that's starting to chafe. If you're lucky, there's an open bar and maybe other people in attendance who have come for pure social enjoyment. If you're unlucky, you're in the ninth circle of Hell; that is, at a Two Hour Networking Event for Everybody Who Happens to Be Attending Some Random Upcoming Lecture Series.
If this is the case, run. You're undoubtedly being flanked by people whom you'd never have occasion to talk to under normal circumstances, who are all wearing creepy earnest expressions and actively trying to remember how to be interesting so as to make a connection with someone new. Clearly, you need to get the hell out of Dodge, and you need to do it fast. My personal recommendation? Grab some free hors d'oeuvres (there's always a reliable shrimp cocktail platter at these things) and then make for the nearest bar. Knock back enough vodka sodas to erase all memory of the time you spent at the war zone from which you feld.
But of course you won't heed my advice (you fool). Rather, you'll summon all your courage and commence the ordeal by approaching someone you've never met. The person in question is probably older than you by a significant margin, and the two of you are sure to have little in common beyond the fact that you're both wearing laminated nametags.
You introduce yourself and it goes something like this: "Hello, I'm a senior at Dartmouth College and I'm interested in strategy consulting. I'm super duper excited for this Random Upcoming Lecture we're both about to go to. So, what do you do?"
Your networking partner "Boris," balding, beyond 50 is revealed to have a large hunk of garden salad in his teeth. "Well, I'm a lifelong botanist looking to make a career change, but would be happy to put you in touch with some of my botanist friends."
You blanche. Botany? Well, anything is possible when you're at a Two Hour Networking Event. Don't say you weren't warned.
And don't just take my word for it. While Boris the Spider Botanist may be purely rhetorical, I present to you real life evidence that networking is a complete sham enjoyed by absolutely no one. The following text arrived at 4:56 p.m. on Tuesday Sept. 28, from a '10 friend who just started at a major consulting firm:
"At a two hour networking' open bar. Kill me!"
And moments later, a follow-up:
"And by network,' I will inevitably stand in the corner with the Blarney buffoons* and get all kinds of sloshed."
The texts made me think though. Maybe we've got it totally wrong. Maybe networking as we understand it isn't even real, and "networking" is actually a secret code word for getting wasted. Maybe it was even first invented so that the poor unfortunate souls out there in the Real World could come together to haze themselves on someone else's dime, all the while mourning college experiences lost and the professional responsibilities to which they now must attend.
And, of course, the fact that they have to network.
*'10 Friend is currently attending a two week "training" retreat for new associates and has taken up with the boozehound contingent from the Dublin office.
