Okay so you should get by now that I hate the future. Not like the universal "future" where Segways replace walking, but no one's fat because all calories have been removed from food without any effect whatsoever on taste. Because I think that sounds lovely. And plausible. The detestable future I speak of, rather, is that utterly impossible, science fiction world that exists post-college. I find the idea of such a life so nauseatingly fictitious that I will not discuss such things with you fine people; I simply refuse to waste your time with inconceivable "imminent" scenarios of water coolers, taxes and just-one-drink-with-dinner. To do so would be to risk my hard-earned journalistic credibility.
However, the subject of this issue is the future of Dartmouth, a subject I am more than happy to discuss. You see, as nearly perfect as I find this place to be, not everyone feels that way many are even focused on changing this place. But the insistent construction workers, bloodthirsty Hanover Police and forum host-ers galore are focusing on the wrong things. What we need to look at is the small-scale, the very minor, super obvious ways that a future Dartmouth could become everyone's favorite
Attending the Jones Media rave, hosted on second floor Berry at 9:45 p.m. every weeknight. Receiving the 1:05 a.m. blitz, FUD2U, a congratulatory e-zine that awards only the lucky few who are still awake with secret gossip and Pavilion-cookie coupons. Patronizing "DDS Delivers." Honestly, this should exist by now. Patronizing "Anything Delivers" after 2:09 a.m. Also overly reasonable. Consulting the new "Department/Program" heading in the Dartmouth ORC titled "Easy Third Class." Enjoying the mandated Wednesday-morning, clock tower musical programming of last night's "Glee" soundtrack. Visiting the library every day at 4:00 p.m. for Sanborn Te@ Getting your groove on at the SAD Formal, an infectiously happy affair hosted every Winter term featuring an exclusively KC & the Sunshine Band playlist and therapeutic lighting. Watching the walk-offs that now determine the line on table. At every house. Getting your fix with intravenous caffeine, now offered at Novack. Renting the invisibility cloaks soon coming to a walk-of-shame near you. Walking to the Main Street Grocery Store. Come on, Hanover. Hearing the commencement address by Dartmouth College President Bieber. Utilizing the Nerf-strap pong paddles available for the small of hand. Driving to Fort Lou's, which is now just Lou's. In a fort. Receiving "Frequent Customer Cards" for dedicated EBA's diners. Oh wait. I just got one last Wednesday. OK so I'd like a future where this is a completely un-tragic, awesome trophy.
As much as I'd love to see a separate state solution for my Kosher fries and Tandoori chicken, I know whining about such grandiose problems will get me nowhere. Except through a lot of Dartmouth small talk. Think smaller; less "Muppets Take Manhattan" and more "Muppet Babies." Forget unfair gender stereotypes, underage drinking and budget cuts. No, we need to talk about how to get Gaga replacing The Sun God and secret, insulated passageways that get you to class during frigid winter. Change We Can Belieb In.
