Dartmouth's My Favorite

So, this past Saturday, I was doing homework in the library. (Sorry for being awesome.) Now, sometimes I listen to music while I study. And many-a-time this music is a playlist of various Now! and Jock Jamz hits. However, to enjoy these (once) happenin' tunes, they really need to be self-inflicted; if these symphonies are forced upon you when you're not in the correct state of mind, results can be devastating. The last thing I ever wanted was to resent the song "Space Jam." But on Saturday morning at noon, the unthinkable happened. Music came blaring through the walls of third floor Berry and raucous merriment aggressively emanated from Sigma Alpha Epsilon. Trying to study and focus on brooding, I suddenly felt accosted by fervent pleas to "slam." Excuse me. I did not asked to be "welcomed to the Jam." And, furthermore, I stand by my right as an American citizen to dislike to "move it, move it." You can't make me be happy, jolly or have a sense of general satisfaction while I'm in the library. On a Saturday. All basic contentment needs to be kept as private as possible anywhere within a five-pong-table radius of this place. I don't want any pep rallied near my oasis of despair. Thus, SAE has violated the first rule on my prescribed etiquette of what should be kept private versus public. (These two words are incorporated in the theme of this Mirror issue. So it's topical.)

1. Happiness, especially anywhere near Baker-Berry: PRIVATEThe library is a place for misery. It is a place for hair chewing (seen it), sobs (via Hall of Tears, stairway between FFB and 4FB), caffeine-dependency, emotional eating, emotional swearing, emotional seat-saving and emotional e-motions (Facebook status update: ":( Today's not a good day."). A lot of people say rooms in our library look like Harry Potter. What they mean is it feels like Harry Potter. Because it sucks out your soul. Like a Dementor.

2. Love of anything targeted at your seven-year-old cousin, especially involving witchcraft and wizardry: PRIVATEI wrote this rule before writing the first one. Awkward.

3. Loving Bieber: PUBLICHis musical stylings and covetable coif is targeted at eight-year-olds and up. So you're good.

4. Sleeping: DRAW(ing on your face)You, the sleeper, would probably benefit from privatizing your REM cycle. I, the sleepee (i.e. The person who watches you sleep. So the creepee?), am finding your puddle of drool on the floor of Baker Tower to be an excellent motivator for staying awake and studying. And if you choose to have a repeat performance on a frat couch later, that'd be cool. I have a lot of extra permanent markers that I don't know what to do with.

5. Facebook Profile: PUBLICCorporate recruiting's for nerds, all your tagged pictures are super flattering and don't at all make you look like a functional alcoholic and knowing that one of your favorite books is "The Catcher and the Rye" makes me see a deeper side of you. Why would you want to hide your many gifts? (Including attendance to "The School of Hard Knocks"?! OMG THE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW HOW FUNNY YOU ARE!)

6. Facebook Stalking: PRIVATEWhile we're on that note, I'd like to save you all some embarrassment (in the last rule, I wasn't that committed to this): The moment that you realize that you're now on Page 12 of Tagged Photos and have entered deep into the realm of his/her Junior Prom pictures is a very private one. It involves some soul searching and life re-evaluating. You really don't want to implicate those around you. That's me-time.

7. Recipient Lists: PUBLICCome on, Amarna, who'd you invite to dinner tonight? I saw you wink at me the other day. Don't play hard to get by just suppressing my name and making me think I'm one of many. Because I'm also invited to a birthday party tonight. But I don't know who's going so it might be less important people than your exclusive affair. Suppressing is letting the man win. (Repressing is letting the alcohol win.)

8. Performance Art: PRIVATETheater-On-The-Walk: where are you going and when?

9. Your iTunes Library: AMAZINGThe things you can learn about a person based on the names of their playlists are unparalleled. When I see that "AP11"'s "Workout Jams" is comprised of the collected works of Metallica, I learn that this person might kill people. Or when I listen to the Top 25 Most Played of "DBS"'s library and see 24/25 are from the High School Musical soundtrack, I learn there are friends to be had. DON'T YOU DARE KEEP THAT PRIVATE. You're depriving me of superficial judgment. And that's way crueler than "SAPREZ4LYFE"'s "I Hate Emily" playlist.

Oh Dartmouth, I'm sorry for not letting your freak flags fly. You know I love it when you streak (no, not you) and when your pledges perform flawless YouTube re-enactments on the Foco Runway (yes, you), but there's a time and place for everything. Except expressing joy near the library. And having a Myspace profile.