You didn't think we would abandon you for your arguably drunkest term at Dartmouth, did you? Of course not. Sophomore Summer was an invention created by Eleazer Wheelock to encourage day drinking in the sunshine and to give people a time where passing out somewhere between Collis and Theta Delt doesn't give you a risk of hypothermia and/or chlamydia. We think.
We were told this issue's theme was something along the lines of a summer survival guide, and the fact that we somehow managed to not physically die during our sophomore Summer is somewhat of a miracle likely brought on by excessive homage to the Pong Gods and Gaga. So here is a list of what is right and what is wrong although what is so wrong it's right is always an option.
DO be open-minded! For example: befriend random townies looking for drugs and then engage in an impromptu soccer game in the middle of Webster Ave., while chanting, "Get weirder."
DON'T forget about your classes, but instead enjoy them and integrate them fully into your experience.
DON'T go to your 10A sober. Opt instead to take the extra time to wake up early and keep your Monday night going by sipping on a tropical rum smoothie from Collis. It will make the stories in Psych 25 a lot funnier.
DO be productive and pro-active! Start drinking before 2 p.m. The best time for a gin and tonic is before high noon.
DON'T say in any real way: "No man, I'm way too messed up for that." Anything you can do, you can do better over 10X.
DO opt to cut holes in a Keystone box for your eyes and mouth and run around the basement at 3 o'clock a.m. telling people you are a robot....
DO buy yourself a kiddie pool and fill it with Andre.
DON'T let your nasty ass into that pool. Simply sip away. Until then jump in the river.
DON'T join a Fieldstock team but DO make Bloody Marys and heckle the volleyball teams until you are ushered off of the Green for keeping things too real.
DO skinny dip.
DON'T skinny dip if you are unattractive. Come on, man.
DO go to Hard Bodies with a bottle of Jack and watch strippers named Mercedez while you bowl.
DON'T be a bitch and not do the keg stand with a group of 16-year-old South African crew guys who are visiting for the weekend. Of all your terms to be a bitch, this is not the one you want to choose.
DO play pong with your cell phone. That's a quick and easy way to get weird.
DO ghost ride the whip down Webster Ave. at 8:30 a.m. while blasting Nikki Minaj and downing Colt 45s.
DO become best friends with Jim and Jack. (And if you are not familiar with these names? Thunder dome yourself with Keystone Ice.)
DON'T get wifed up but DO get stuffed. Sophomore Summer is about the three Ss: Slutting (not to be confused with trolling), Sun and Sex. So, dump yo' boy/girlfriend in exchange for a few slampieces, and kick your sexin' up a level. We suggest including some of the following: fried pickles from Fort Lou's, ranch dressing, onion rings and glitter.
DON'T get any type of venereal disease including, but not limited to, pregnancy.
DO steal shit, not like real shit, but rogue shit, like volleyballs and random awards for excellence, or virginities.
And remember to every day appreciate the sun, the drink and the omnipresent spirit of Gaga.
Love, The Drunkest Girls
