You're not yet ready to face the real world? Well, you're in luck: it's sophomore Summer! While some students are slaving away at desk jobs, dying in their impersonal cubicles, you are preparing for a summer of shameless shenanigans.
Contrary to popular belief, sophomore Summer was originally instated by the College in order to reward students for their hard work during the year by awarding a term of academic credit in the absence of real schoolwork. This was a rather nice gesture, so let's not let these summer months go to waste. Let's carry on the tradition of sophomore Summer, the tradition of unacceptable social behavior.
As I've observed, the summer has already started down the path of social unacceptability.
The other day I had to go to work and it was awfully strenuous. Not only was I asked to wear a bathing suit and Hawaiian shirt for an afternoon swim in the river (now forbidden by the College), but I was also offered a refreshing, bubbly and good-feeling-inducing Heineken when I arrived. Anyone have a good private corporate headhunter? Stressful workplaces aren't for me.
Everyone knows that Dartmouth students are far too wise and focused to concern themselves with partying. That being said, sophomore Summer is a great time for partying for those Dartmouth students in the minority. In fact, sophomore Summer may even be considered a festival of sorts for those very, very few students. Temperatures begin to rise, and, without air conditioning a novel and recent invention, really students become increasingly thirsty. Luckily, Stinson's will be at arms-length reach this summer, and any time is the right time for a cold, crisp Keystone!
Enough about always smooth observations...time for my always smooth predictions! In a final effort to suck up to students after Foco's summer close, Collis Cafe will definitely announce its decision to start serving Keystone on tap. Collis will take the opportunity to make the campus more green, as it will reduce the abundance of aluminum cans on campus and will encourage students to turn to Keystone instead of water bottles. Another hurtle overcome in the Go-Green Movement!
Additionally, I predict that Collis will set up a keg-stand station. This decision will further combat the overuse of plastic, paper and aluminum on campus by enabling students to consume straight from the source.
Ultimately, the trends correlating with sophomore Summer are unlike the trends of the stock market they're easy to predict. Temperatures rise, clothes peel off, sophomores forget they're at Dartmouth to take classes and levels of debauchery naturally rise. The administration, with its keen insight, will almost surely take these noble instances of laziness, immaturity and ignorance of the real world's standards as opportunities to accommodate students' hedonic wants in the coming months.
