Let it be known: someone has dared to scrutinize the cornerstone of Dartmouth counterculture the self-call. The undying utterance has been used and abused by every College demagogue since Eleazar Wheelock himself; its cultural magnitude rivals that of "not uncommon" among politicians and "lolz" among tween MySpace enthusiasts.
But the question remains: should we be more accepting of self-calls? Do we really want to hear about your sustained 4.0 after taking two sciences with labs, Econometrics and your TAS distrib in one term?
Um, NO. Save your academic vanity for dinner with Grandma.
Our disdain for self-calling prevents Dartmouth from being taken over by academic narcissists. Within a week of orientation, you should have realized that discussing SAT scores is more taboo here than ordering EBAs when sober. We all maxed out our high schools' AP course offerings while playing two varsity sports, yadda yadda enough already. At Dartmouth, you're up against 1,100 clones of your over-achieving self. Accept that you can't possibly win and save the cutthroat attitude for insecure, non-Ivy League students.
The self-call safeguards against inappropriate showboating and the inevitable self-destruction that would result if two Dartmouth students ever engaged in an "anything you can do, I can do better" battle. The unnecessary douchiness inherent to our often hidden academic sides is healthily taboo here to most Dartmouth students.
Don't get me wrong, we're definitely not Yalies, but sometimes we're a bit douchey. Take, for example, this summer's chafingly copious, insincerely innocent corporate recruiting banter.
'12 Gov-Econ Double Major: "Dude, how'd it go?"
'12, Trapped and Tipsy: [Insert reluctantly honest response about a boutique investment banking interview here.]
'12 Gov-Econ Double Major: "Sweet, man. I'm a Goldman and Bridgewater pre-select, but that's awesome for you. Congrats."
Should such normal basement dialogue really be NBD?
Nothin' But Douche = Not OK.
And you think that's bad? What would happen if we stopped saying "self-call" after every blatant bombast? Without such a system to keep our academic vanity to a minimum, such marginally boastful side comments would be the least of our worries. We'd become a frattier, more attractive Harvard and who could handle the argyle, bowl cuts and grandiloquence that would ensue?
Perhaps we are hypocritical in our affection for the self-call. We're uncomfortable with talking about our high grades but perfectly at ease with the Greek system's sense of self-importance. At Dartmouth, your Greek affiliation (or lack of, for that matter) is almost as important to your identity as your name. Indeed, we quite obviously reinforce a Greek hierarchy by deliberately mentioning our last hookup's A-side frat or sporting our sorority sweatshirt one day and Greek letter-emblazoned lax penny the next. Such displays of Greek affiliation are just as vain as accidentally-on-purpose catching your graded essay in your backpack zipper, with the A conveniently visible In the words of the Drunkest Girls, thunder-dome yourself.
Still unsure which is the greater infraction? Observe the comment of a curiously naive chemistry major, either oblivious to or unconcerned with our anti-self-call standard. (Disclaimer: True story. Prepare yourself.)
'12 Pre-Med: "But seriously, if I get anything lower than an A in orgo, I might as well move to the Caribbean and start practicing [medicine] now."
I warned you.
Is academic vanity taboo for a reason? Orgo survivors, you tell me. When you figure it out, come find me in the libs: I'm the girl on 2nd Floor Berry working on her Presidential Scholars research project.
Told you it was insufferable. SELF-CALL.
