Formals are the dumbest and most unnecessary thing at Dartmouth College. Yeah, I said it. Literally the most unnecessary thing. More unnecessary than the FoCo flatscreens. More unnecessary than tattoos in the armpits of guys and the bra lines of girls. More unnecessary than any of the exhibits in the main hall of Baker Library. You can't top it.
First, there is the expense. Between renting a venue, paying for buses and drivers and drinks formals can cost close to $10,000. Formals might make some people happier, but let's convert $10,000 into units of happiness when bought with other things. I learned from Alcohol.edu that one unit of alcohol is equal to one unit of happiness, so let's see how that works out. Thirty Keystone Lights at Stinson's costs $15.99, so $10,000 buys 18,761 'stones. That's a lot of happiness. Or, using EBAs' Wednesday night special, $10,000 could buy 16,000 medium slices of cheese pizza. And this isn't even mentioning how many units of happiness $10,000 could buy if we did something other than indulgently spend it maybe donated it to charity and clothed and fed a shitload of underprivileged children.
Let's take another angle to look at formals: getting in trouble. How many Greek houses were on probation at some point this year because of public fornication at formals? Five? And remember when AZD got into a whole heap of trouble for trashing Hotel Coolidge? This is not even mentioning the problems that Greek houses can get into with John Q. Law for having fun on other people's property. Not a smart idea, all around.
Formals also take an emotional toll on campus. How many couples have fights at formal? How many dresses are irreparably ruined with vomit stains? Also, think about the emotional stress that is laid on girls (and guys) in searching for a suitable date. If you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, no sweat. But if you don't, then things get really complicated really fast. A female friend of mine once told me that she will only send the formal invitation blitz when she's guaranteed not to see the invitee in public for the next several hours. It can be too awkward to handle.
So what's the justification for putting on formals at all? Tradition, first of all. Also, I guess it's kind of cool to see everyone dressed up nice. But that already happened at Derby do we really need to do it twice? There's not much else, besides some special prom-like feeling in the air. Personally, I hate movies that have the climax at prom. It's always cheesy. The only other thrill I can think of is getting really drunk and then either dancing or having sex in some public location. I already covered how you can get really drunk without going to formal. If you want to go dancing, there's always Chi Gam. And depending where you live on campus, one of the Dartmouth Seven is probably within a couple hundred feet of your door. Rip/Wood/Smith? BEMA. Russell-Sage? The lawn of El Presidente. The Lodge even has the Top of the Hop. I mean, come on. You can get all the same kicks for free.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL, though, is that formals offer the '10s an opportunity to make "last chance" invitations. And this should be universally recognized. If there is a boy (or girl) that a girl (or boy) has had his/her eye on for quite some time but may never have spoken to, then this is her/his opportunity to make her/his desires known. "Hey, I know we've never spoken, but will you go to formal with me?" Worst case scenario, the answer's no. Best case scenario, the answer's yes and then things get freaky. If you do this and it works, you can name your first-born child after me.
