So I was just on Wikipedia clicking through random articles and accidentally spending two hours reading about bizarre UFO conspiracy theories doing research for this column, because when I first sat down to write this I discovered that apparently I'm a mildly disgruntled person who didn't have anything to say about happiness. Fortunately Wikipedia came through for me again (I am probably about to find out if my professors read The Mirror) and told me all about the Paradox of Choice. Apparently having more choices does not make you happier, your brain just becomes terribly confused and you start to panic. I am so glad that this is a recognized phenomenon because I thought this only happened to me.
We don't have a lot of choices here in The Bubble, but I've still encountered the Paradox of Choice in more than a few situations. The following is a guide to dealing with those potential landmines. So if you start to feel overwhelmed by your options here take a deep breath, do a shot of espresso and follow my advice. You're welcome.
Problem: There are too many sweet parties going on tonight.
Well well well look who is on all the social lists. Often known to affect freshman girls, this can be a huge issue. If too many places are trying to create a scene, the actual formation of any scene is delayed by half an hour, as everyone runs back and forth between the party houses frantically texting each other to try and figure out "where everyone is" and why everywhere so far is "lame." Panic! No one will see you in your slutty top and multiple trips between frats increases the probability that you will spend $200 in DASH on Wendy's hamburgers.
Solution: Screw the frat scene and go to the Listening Room. It's so cool that people don't even know that it's cool yet. META.
Problem: Classes
It's kind of important to take classes that interest you and that you like (I heard a rumor that they're supposed to be our main focus), but choosing something solely based on the ORC description and the course guide is kind of like deciding to date someone just because you checked out their Facebook profile. Unfortunately there are approximately 8 million classes being offered and about two days to shop them before you get hopelessly behind on the reading.
Solution: Restrict your search to classes offered in afternoon timeslots only. This may cause you to accidentally major in something weird. That's okay, this is called "the liberal arts experience."
Problem: Food
Oh God. Fried food, fake healthy food, fair trade food, kosher food, chocolate-chip-cookie-food, crunchy food and 10 million long lines for all of it.
Solution: Gusanoz.
Problem: Coffee
We are so blessed here with a delightful overabundance of coffee choices. One could stand in front of the Dirt Cowboy menu board for hours lost in thought, weighing the pros and cons of the 30+ blends available. Do I want coffee with notes of chocolate or with a snappy slightly acidic finish? Should I shit, I've lost everyone who was reading this, haven't I? ANYWAY. We have free coffee, Novack coffee-flavored-beverage, Collis, et. al. What's a sleepy person to do?
Solution: DRINK ALL OF IT.
